*because I am the dog whisperer and I know these things.
**the following is based on true-life events.
***I'm sorry that Gracie cusses so much.
**the following is based on true-life events.
***I'm sorry that Gracie cusses so much.
COOPER
Me: "Cooper, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"
Cooper: What? Oh GOD, really? REALLY?! Oh my God! Mom, you have got to be kidding me! GAAHHH, this is incredible! This is the best thing ever!! I AM FREAKING OUT! Can we go now? Hurry up Mom! Where are your shoes? MOM HURRY! AHH, I cannot contain myself! This is definitely the best day of my life! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!
Me: "OK, Cooper, I see that you're interested in the walk. Let's go." (puts on collar and leash with difficulty due to the squirming, and heads out the door."
Cooper: Oh my God, it's really happening!!! This is amazing! This is the most momentous occasion of my life! I will pee on all the things! It will be fantastic! (dives into a low bush, literally, and pees in it.) Oh dear, must save potties for other bushes as well... such as THIS ONE! (pees on next closest bush.)
Me: "OK Cooper, let's keep moving."
Cooper: OK Mom! Whatever you say! This is so fantastic! LOOK! A man watering his lawn! Hiii Man Watering His Lawn! I'd stop and say hello, but this is the best moment of my life and I really cannot be bothered with you right now! Oh LOOK, a fire hydrant with lots of urination on it! I must urinate here as well! This is MAGNIFICENT!
*things continue in this manner for several minutes, until we see another dog walking with his mommy on the other side of the street*
Cooper: OH MY GOSH! A FRIEND! Mom let's go see him, please? Please? Please? PLEASE?! MOM! MOM! Let's go!" (Tugs at leash with all his might) A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND!!! Moommmm!!
*A few more minutes pass and Cooper pops a squat to poop.*
Cooper: Mom, I wouldn't be so fat if you walked me more. I poop on EVERY SINGLE WALK, YOU KNOW THIS.
After the poop, we start to run the rest of the way home. Cooper is feeling extra fantastic.
* * * * *
GRACIE
Me: "Gracie, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"
Gracie: What? Oh! Yes! I think I would. Yes! I think I WOULD! This is wonderful! However, I feel uneasy about it. There is lots of danger out there. Many threats to our safety. Many enemies. However, I would still like to go for the walk. But I definitely feel uneasy.
Me: "OK Gracie, it'll be super fun. There really isn't any danger. Here, let's bring your muzzle in case there are any other dogs who get the bright idea to approach us."
*Puts on collar and leash, and we depart.
Gracie: Oh my goodness! We are outside of the house! We are outside in the world! This is my dream come true!! But oh God, A MULTITUDE OF SMELLS. This is overwhelming! I feel threatened! I smell 14 other urinations on this first bush alone! I MUST NOW SWITCH TO HIGH ALERT. However, I will add my pee here as well, and then sniff around some more.
Me: "OK Gracie, this is called a WALK, not a SNIFF. Let's move on!"
*Gracie reluctantly complies.*
Gracie: OH MY GOD A MAN WATERING HIS LAWN! STRANGER DANGER!!! He must be eliminated! How dare he exist on the same Earth as us! This is terrible! I will definitely bite you, mister, don't come another step closer! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BUT I DEFINITELY HATE YOU!
Me: "Gracie, that man is across the street and THAT IS HIS YARD. He has every right to be there. Chill out, jeez!"
Gracie: Mom, I don't like him, I don't like him one bit. Oh! Some poop on the sidewalk!
*Things continue along these lines until we round a corner and encounter an orange tabby cat lounging beside a bush, just a couple feet away. Gracie lunges at it, and I struggle with her, holding her back with all my might as she writhes around, trying to get free of me.*
Gracie: A cat! OH GOD A CAT! Die mother *ucker DIE! How dare you lounge around like that! I will kill you for this!!
*Ninja Cat decides it's a good idea to attack Gracie and comes at her like a spider monkey, standing on its back two legs and batting at her with his front paws.*
Gracie: WHAT THE *UCK IS HAPPENING!! I knew these bastards were bad news, I KNEW IT! Mom, let me at 'em!! THIS IS THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Deathcon Four! MUST ELIMINATE CAT-THREAT! RAAAHH!!!!
*I get Gracie under control and cat does the reasonable thing and runs up a tree before it gets ripped in half. We return home, my heart pounding out of my chest and Gracie's view of the world as a terrible place reinforced.
THE END.
(they really are very different)
(read Gracie and Cooper's sibling "love story" here)
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