Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Reasons why you should probably never build a house/Advice to anyone who is

Matthew and I signed the contract on our new home in early April of this year after being promised a five month build-time, and here we are, seven months later, and our house is still at least a month out from being done. I know it could be worse, but still, this whole process has been incredibly frustrating, and I could never recommend it to anyone.

We chose to build because the homes currently on the market in our price range here in Austin were not nearly as nice as what you can get when you build at the same price point. Due to a very strong seller's market, resale homes are snatched up in hours or days after going on the market, and often for 20% more than asking price. We didn't love what was available when we were looking, so we decided to build. (contrary to what some people seem to believe, building a home is not more expensive than buying one resale. For example, if your price range is a $250,000 home resale, it does not cost a penny more to build a $250,000 home, and often the new-build is nicer and, obviously, new). That's where they get you. They reel you in, butter you up, make false promises, then break your heart over and over again, like a bad boyfriend. 

Here's 7 reasons why you should probably never build a house:


1. You will need to multipy every time frame they give you by 3 to 7 times. Oh, they say your floors are going in the 19th? That means they will put in half the kitchen tile on the 23rd, then realize it was the wrong tile (after half a day's work), tear it up, and start over. The kitchen floor tile will be two-thirds finished when the workers leave and do not return for four days. On the fourth day, they will return and finish the kitchen tile, as well as the tile in the hall bathroom shower. They will not complete the other two showers, the bathroom floors, the kitchen backsplash, carpet, or hardwoods for five more weeks.

Mind you, this is after your construction is already three months behind the promised completion date.

2. The builder will find a way to change things you paid for and were promised, and then make you feel like it's your fault and you're being an asshole for asking them about it. This will be emotionally confusing and you will wonder if you're going insane.

3. Sometimes 2 weeks will go by and the only progress will be one light socket. This will make you feel like stabbing someone repeatedly.

4. Your sales consultant and construction manager will continually over promise and under deliver. Don't ever believe them. Don't believe a single word that comes out of their mouths. See first point.

5. On a similar note, they tell you what you want to hear, not the truth, every time. When you sign that contract, they will tell you a build time of five and a half months. Budget for eight to ten, and then see if you still feel the same way about the house.

6. Don't bother building a relationship with your construction manager, because you'll go through three of them. Don't be fooled if the first guy gives you delicious, homemade canned pickles and tomatoes. The next day he will quit and you will never see him again.

7. If you're going to live with family during this process, you better really like each other and have a strong relationship. After about four to six months of said living arrangement, it gets old.

THE END.


Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Matthew's Top 10 Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Sunday night Matthew and I were laying in bed after a truly epic 10 hours of watching The Walking Dead marathon (I kid you not, we laid in front of the TV for ten straight hours, I might as well have been chained there for all I moved), and I said to him, "I have absolutely nothing to blog about this week. This entire day was consumed with the Walking Dead and I simply didn't have time to think about blogging. This sucks. WAIT, YOU CAN GUEST POST FOR ME."

Those of you who've been reading long enough may recall that Matthew is a bit of a "prepper." Not like the crazy ones you see on TV, but he enjoys preparing for worst-case scenarios.  So now... please enjoy Matthew's list of 10 Things You Need To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.

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Jenni asked if I could write a top ten list of things people would need to survive the oncoming apocalypse.  I am by no means an expert, but I said sure, and now you get to read this literary masterpiece.   I don’t really think the zombies are coming, and nobody can stockpile enough supplies to last a lifetime.  In reality, making sure you have two weeks of supplies should be enough for you to weather the storm until things return to normal.  Most people don’t have supplies to last more than 2 days, which is a scary thought considering what lengths some people go to in order to survive.  So, without further ado, here is your “Top Ten Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse That is Not Going to Happen But You Need This Stuff Anyways Because I Won’t Share With You.”  Seriously, I won’t share.  Anyone who tries to convince me to share will enjoy me sharing the barrel end of my shotgun in their face.

Grocery stores have something called “on demand warehousing.”  That means grocery stores don’t stockpile stuff like they use to.  Nowadays the delivery guy drops off goods about every other day.  Because of this almost every grocery store would run out of basic essentials within 3 days of the last delivery.

1.  Water:  In order make sure you have enough, you’ll need 1 gallon of water per person per day.  We have two dogs, so that makes 4 gallons of water per day.   If you decide to stock pile water, a good tip is to buy the Ozarka brand.  They come in 3 quart sizes, so you’ll need to buy a few extra to make up the difference (4 quarts = 1 gallon), but unlike normal milk gallon style jugs, the Ozarka brand is stackable to save space.

2.  Food:  The best way to stockpile food is to can it (hint Jenni). You obviously can’t store perishable items for very long, so the second best way is to just buy canned goods.  Remember that you’re getting just enough to get by, so you don’t have to clean out the grocery store.  It’s a good idea to get meals, like beef stew.  It’s an easy way to get your calories in, while not taking too much extra space in your pantry.  Another great way is get a bunch of Mountain House freeze dried camping meals.  They have a shelf life of 20 years and only require warm water.  The pouch they come in serves as the bowl so you don’t have to waste water on cleaning dishes.  And they’re delicious.  They need to be stored in a cool and dry place, not your garage or attic.  We keep ours in a closet.  But I’m not going to tell you which closet it is.  It’s booby-trapped.  

3.  Clothing:    If you’ve ever gone on a vacation with a guy, you realize how much stuff we forget.  I pack in like two minutes.  Seriously.  I always remember my tooth brush and that’s about it. I never remember my swimsuit.  Ever.  And we always go to the beach.  Clothing isn’t as big of a deal where we live because it doesn’t get very cold.  For those of you who live in cooler climates where it snows and the leaves change, I hate you.  Kidding.  I just miss the seasons.  Anyways, just remember that once the power goes out, the heater won’t work and we don’t need any more unplanned babies in this world.      

4.  Firearms.  Here is an area that many so-called preppers go way overboard (no babe…each gun we own is for a very specific purpose.)  Seriously, people will go out and spend all their money on guns and forget to spend any money or time making sure they have enough food.  Think about what I just said.  If they don’t have food and they need food, guess what they are going to use to get the food?  Even if you’re a diehard liberal and hate guns, don’t be naive.  Go buy a gun.  Guns don’t kill people.  It’s not going to wake up and walk itself over to your bed and hold you at gunpoint.  The only way gun violence will end is if there isn’t a single gun on the planet and that’s not going to happen.  Besides, we’ve been killing each other since before guns were invented and it’s not going to stop because people hold up signs trying to convince the president to ban ARs.   If you’re going to limit yourself to only one gun, then buy a 12 gauge shotgun.  Nothing is more proven for home defense and it’s a weapon that, if it ever came to it, you could hunt with it.  They are simple to use, ammunition is readily available, and you can pick one up for around $300.  Nothing strikes more fear in an intruder than the sound a shotgun makes when you load a round.  If you refuse to own a gun, then don’t advertise your decision.  Yours is the first house hungry people will be coming to and it doesn’t take very long until your neighbor, who you had lunch with last Friday, is pointing a .45 at you demanding food and water.  If you still don’t want to own a gun and would choose death because of your “principles,” then I hope you’re single and don’t have a family that you’d be putting at risk because you want to defend your home with a wooden spoon.

5.  Games.  Many people overlook how boredom can affect a person’s optimism.  In dire situations, a positive outlook can mean the difference between life and death.  I don’t think people will die of boredom in two weeks, but having something to do really helps to keep your mind off a tough situation.  Board games are a great way to pass time and a deck of cards always comes in handy.  I’ve chosen Monopoly and only Monopoly, because I’m incredible at it.  Jenni hates to play me.  It’s awesome to see her financial empire crushed by my impressive strategic maneuvering.  She’s amazing at Scrabble and she destroys me.  She thinks I put it in our emergency supplies.  I burned it.

6.  Medical supplies.  You should go through your medicine cabinet right now.  Ours was terrible.  We had medicine that expired in 2004.  Seriously, who keeps allergy medicine from nearly a decade ago?  A good first aid kit is something everyone should have and make sure that you have enough pain and cold medicine, allergy medicine, etc.  A good tip is to also refill your prescriptions early.  Most insurance companies will allow a refill after 20 days (meaning you have 10 days left until you’re out).  If you do this just once, then you’ll always have an extra 10 day supply in case something happens.  Just be sure to check the expiration date.  Whenever I get a refill, I separate a 10-day supply from the new batch and throw in last month’s pills into the new bottle.  That way I always have the freshest emergency supply.

7.  Pet supplies.  People often forget to stock up on dog food (or cat food).  Dogs can obviously survive for two weeks on human food if you forget, but getting an extra bag of dog food is such an easy thing to do.  Also make sure you have an extra supply of medication too and toys for them to play with.

8.  Emergency power.  We have a GoalZero power brick.  It’s kind of expensive, but it’s one of those things you wish you had when you need it.  I keep it plugged in and it stores enough power to run a small TV for 8 hours.  It can charge an iPad 12 times, an iPhone 90 times, and can run a radio for nearly 400 hours straight.  If the power goes out, you’re going to want something to keep your electronics charged and have a source of power for a radio to receive updates from emergency responders.  The smarter use is to keep your wife happy by using it to watch every Harry Potter three times.

9.  Lighting.  This ties into number 8.  If the power grid goes down, then you’re on your own when the sun goes down.  Flashlights are a good bet, but there are better options today than the old D battery Mag-lites.  I keep a solar powered flashlight on the dash of my truck.  It will provide light for 80 hours.  I also have a hand-cranked light that will provide 20 minutes of light for 30 seconds of cranking.  But if things get bad, just make sure you don’t attract attention by having your house the only house lit up at night.  Emergency generators are great, but not if you’re the only one on your block that has one.  Close your drapes at night to not attract attention.  

10.  For most of us, our preparations are limited to what our budget allows.  For those of you who can afford anything, I highly suggest that you purchase this, this, and this.  All three are highly necessary.

I really don’t think zombies are going to take over the world.  I do, however, think it’s vitally important to be prepared because no one can predict what’s going to happen.  Do you think the people affected by Hurricane Katrina ever thought they would be without food and water for three weeks?  What about everyone hit by Hurricane Sandy?  The Rodney King riots shut down grocery stores and gas stations for 8 days.  The Los Angeles earthquake caused nearly 6,000 people to be surrounded by concrete and the only method of evacuation was by helicopter.  Imagine placing yourself in a concrete fish bowl for two weeks without food and fresh water.   And let’s never forget what happened on September 11th, 2001.

Some of the preppers or survivalists take it way too far (I always wonder where they get their money to buy all this stuff because none of them ever seem to have a job?).  These people have built underground bunkers, walk around in bullet proof vests, build compounds in the desert with solar powered toilets, etc.  If that’s your thing, have at it.  To me, it’s taking it too far.  No one can store enough preparations to last until you die.  At some point, stockpiles run out and you have to turn to a self sustaining lifestyle (Jenni, please learn how to can food and bake bread.  You’d make me so happy).  A reasonable amount of preparations is something everyone should have on hand.  At the very least, it can provide you with a peace of mind that if something were to happen, you’d likely be able to weather the storm until things return to normal.

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Want more from Matthew? Check out the "Ask Matthew" posts Part One and Two. :)

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Thursday, 10 October 2013

The actual internal monologues of Cooper and Gracie

Cooper and Gracie were born into the very same litter, but could not be more different. Please see below for actual internal monologues for each, respectively.*

*because I am the dog whisperer and I know these things.
**the following is based on true-life events.
***I'm sorry that Gracie cusses so much.

COOPER


Me: "Cooper, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Cooper: What? Oh GOD, really? REALLY?! Oh my God! Mom, you have got to be kidding me! GAAHHH, this is incredible! This is the best thing ever!! I AM FREAKING OUT! Can we go now? Hurry up Mom! Where are your shoes? MOM HURRY!  AHH, I cannot contain myself! This is definitely the best day of my life! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

Me: "OK, Cooper, I see that you're interested in the walk. Let's go." (puts on collar and leash with difficulty due to the squirming, and heads out the door."

Cooper: Oh my God, it's really happening!!! This is amazing! This is the most momentous occasion of my life! I will pee on all the things! It will be fantastic! (dives into a low bush, literally, and pees in it.) Oh dear, must save potties for other bushes as well... such as THIS ONE! (pees on next closest bush.)

Me: "OK Cooper, let's keep moving." 

Cooper: OK Mom! Whatever you say! This is so fantastic! LOOK! A man watering his lawn! Hiii Man Watering His Lawn! I'd stop and say hello, but this is the best moment of my life and I really cannot be bothered with you right now! Oh LOOK, a fire hydrant with lots of urination on it! I must urinate here as well! This is MAGNIFICENT!

*things continue in this manner for several minutes, until we see another dog walking with his mommy on the other side of the street*

Cooper: OH MY GOSH! A FRIEND! Mom let's go see him, please? Please? Please? PLEASE?! MOM! MOM! Let's go!" (Tugs at leash with all his might) A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND!!! Moommmm!!

*A few more minutes pass and Cooper pops a squat to poop.*

Cooper: Mom, I wouldn't be so fat if you walked me more. I poop on EVERY SINGLE WALK, YOU KNOW THIS.

After the poop, we start to run the rest of the way home. Cooper is feeling extra fantastic. 


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GRACIE


Me: "Gracie, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Gracie: What? Oh! Yes! I think I would. Yes! I think I WOULD! This is wonderful! However, I feel uneasy about it. There is lots of danger out there. Many threats to our safety. Many enemies. However, I would still like to go for the walk. But I definitely feel uneasy.

Me: "OK Gracie, it'll be super fun. There really isn't any danger. Here, let's bring your muzzle in case there are any other dogs who get the bright idea to approach us." 

*Puts on collar and leash, and we depart.

Gracie: Oh my goodness! We are outside of the house! We are outside in the world! This is my dream come true!! But oh God, A MULTITUDE OF SMELLS. This is overwhelming! I feel threatened! I smell 14 other urinations on this first bush alone! I MUST NOW SWITCH TO HIGH ALERT. However, I will add my pee here as well, and then sniff around some more.

Me: "OK Gracie, this is called a WALK, not a SNIFF. Let's move on!"

*Gracie reluctantly complies.*

Gracie: OH MY GOD A MAN WATERING HIS LAWN! STRANGER DANGER!!! He must be eliminated! How dare he exist on the same Earth as us! This is terrible! I will definitely bite you, mister, don't come another step closer! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BUT I DEFINITELY HATE YOU!

Me: "Gracie, that man is across the street and THAT IS HIS YARD. He has every right to be there. Chill out, jeez!"

Gracie: Mom, I don't like him, I don't like him one bit. Oh! Some poop on the sidewalk!

*Things continue along these lines until we round a corner and encounter an orange tabby cat lounging beside a bush, just a couple feet away. Gracie lunges at it, and I struggle with her, holding her back with all my might as she writhes around, trying to get free of me.*

Gracie: A cat! OH GOD A CAT! Die mother *ucker DIE! How dare you lounge around like that! I will kill you for this!!

*Ninja Cat decides it's a good idea to attack Gracie and comes at her like a spider monkey, standing on its back two legs and batting at her with his front paws.*

Gracie: WHAT THE *UCK IS HAPPENING!! I knew these bastards were bad news, I KNEW IT! Mom, let me at 'em!! THIS IS THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Deathcon Four! MUST ELIMINATE CAT-THREAT! RAAAHH!!!!

*I get Gracie under control and cat does the reasonable thing and runs up a tree before it gets ripped in half. We return home, my heart pounding out of my chest and Gracie's view of the world as a terrible place reinforced.

THE END.

(they really are very different)

(read Gracie and Cooper's sibling "love story" here)


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Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Don't go to bed angry, and other fallacies

Jacket: Stitch Fix (my fixes have been rocking lately!), Shirt: J. Crew, Jeans: Banana Republic, Boots: Franco Sarto, Glasses: c/o Penn Avenue Eyewear

Before I start this (very short) story, you will need some background info. You see, Matthew is a germaphobe. Germaphobe through and through, and this affliction condition trait has only worsened become more intense in him over the last year or so, because he has been sick pretty often and is just fed up with it, I suppose. So we are those people who bring Wet Ones to the movie theater and airport and restaurant and grocery store, etc. I distinctly remember our first date, when Matthew excused himself to wash his hands before dinner. I was like "what? Oh! Okay! I, uh, washed my hands a bit ago when I went to the bathroom (four hours earlier, oops). But I was impressed. A guy with good hygiene, nice!  Fast forward five years and his germaphobia is no longer quite as endearing, but it is what it is. He has good reason to be this way, so I try to be sensitive to that fact.  OK. Background info complete. 

Over the weekend, Matthew and I both woke in the wee hours of Saturday morning with sore throats, which is pretty much the most calamitous thing that could happen in Matthew's world, based on his long history with strep throat. Naturally, he blamed me for his affliction (since I am not nearly as clean as he is) and commenced banging shit around at 1:45 in the morning in search of cough drops. I thought to myself whatever! and rolled over and went back to sleep. Due to my excellent immune system (muhahaha), the bug blew right over me and never really turned into anything, but Matthew's blossomed into full-on strep throat. Despite that, he left for the ranch to help his dad out with some stuff, all the while harboring a grudge against me and my germiness, which came to a head that evening when we chatted on the phone, once again, about how insufficient my hand washing is, etc, etc, and how I should be more sensitive to his fragile state of health. I was (am) PMSing, and this has become a sensitive topic between us in recent months, so shit hit the fan and escalated until Matthew made the claim he would now cook all his own meals, and I was like "Great! You do that! Bye!" CLICK. 

We went to bed angry. Very angry. And you know what? EVERYTHING IS FINE. We talked about it the next day, both apologized, and it's aaaall good. I see no point in duking it out when everyone is tired and sick and/or on a hormonal rampage. That could definitely make things worse, and people could say things they never meant to say, and do damage. I don't know about you, but everything looks so much less unforgivable to me in the morning.

How does this tie into today's outfit post? Well, I feel the same concept applies to picking outfits. Sometimes it's just better to wait 'til morning, when you're not like "I AM NOT FASHIONABLE, I CANNOT EVEN PUT TOGETHER A SHIRT AND PANTS." Not that that happened.

Such deep thoughts this morning. Now go forth and conquer your day! ;)




Jacket: Stitch Fix (my fixes have been rocking lately!), Shirt: J. Crew, Jeans: Banana Republic, Boots: Franco Sarto, Glasses: c/o Penn Avenue Eyewear


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Wednesday, 3 July 2013

This will make your day, I promise.

Thanks so much to an awesome reader that passed this video along to me after last week's social media pet peeves post. This is honestly the most hilarious thing I've seen in a loooong while. I literally belly-laughed, like, four times. If you're on Instagram a lot, you'll totally get this and it'll make your whole day.  Enjoy...



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Thursday, 27 June 2013

Social media pet peeves? (a post brought to you by PMS)

Cinch Hitter Belted Coral Dress: c/o Lulus.com (discount code SOML15 for 15% off your order through July 1st! US & CAN only), Hat: can't remember where I got it... it was a shoe store at the mall! Necklace: Francesca's


Do you have any social media pet peeves? I DO. This has absolutely nothing to do with my style post today, but I have a lot to get off my chest, you guys, a lot to get off my chest. Incidentally, almost all of these involve Instagram. Here we go.


+ Let's start with posting photos of open wounds. Ew? I don't really care to see a photo of how you almost chopped the tip of your finger off while you were cutting a tomato. If I wanted to see some carnage, I would watch surgery shows on the Discovery channel. But since I'm not a huge fan of cut-open humans, I'd rather not see your gaping wound in my Instagram feed, either. 

+ Pictures solely of your bare feet - NO. Unless they are weirdly attractive, which rules out 95% of all feet. Disclaimer: I hate feet, so I'm biased.

+ This one is going to catch me some flack, but I also don't want to see your baby with drool or food all over his/her face. It's not cute, it's disgusting. (Funny cake smashing photos are an exception. Pureed peas and shiny dripping drool are not.)

+ Hashtags. The kind that go on and on and on and on forever, or the kind that are incorporated right into a sentence. For example:
I am really #hungry at my #desk here at #work and all I really want is a #big #fat #juicy #hamburger even though I packed a #salad.  
#lunch #nutrition #eatfit #skinny #cleaneating #eatclean #instafit #training #healthy #instahealth #lifestyle #fit #fitfam #foodporn..... 

Please stop that. I know you might gain a few new followers by doing it, but it's weird. 

+ The chronic duck-facer. Please stop doing a duck face in every single one of your pictures. We know you have great cheek bones. 

+ The chronic post-er of "look at my big boobs!" photos. We get it. You have a great rack and all your shirts and dresses show massive amounts of cleavage and occasionally some nip. After a while, it just gets annoying. 

Don't even get me started on Facebook. 
What are YOUR social media pet peeves? I'm sure I'll think of more of these the moment I hit publish! 



Now here's some photos of me wearing a short dress in a field. Happy Thursday!



Cinch Hitter Belted Coral Dress: c/o Lulus.com (discount code SOML15 for 15% off your order through July 1st! US & CAN only), Hat: can't remember where I got it... it was a shoe store at the mall! Necklace: Francesca's

Sunday, 26 May 2013

How to be Awesome + Florida trip!



My "something I read online" for Day 26 isn't really very deep, but it totally made me laugh and nod my head in agreement. If you have an aversion to strong language, I recommend not clicking.

The Short and Sweet Guide to Being F***ing Awesome.

Also, I am headed to Florida to visit my dad, grandma, and little brother today... I may be flying over your head right this minute. So tomorrow I'll be coming at you live from the Sunshine State, since Blog Every Day In May didn't quuuite get pre-blogged beforehand. See you back here then! :) Leave your links below, if you have 'em...

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Sticks & Stones

Today on the ChallengeSomething someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget.



I remember it like it was yesterday. 7th grade. Texas History class. Sitting at my desk near the back right of the classroom. It was "free dress day" at the private school I attended at the time, and I was wearing flip-flops. My friend Danny turned around to talk to me, and somehow his attention turned to my flip-flop clad feet. And you know what he said then?

He said, "Oh my God, you have a HUUUGE big toe!" And then he laughed at me. 

This is the strangest thing to remember, but I do, I really do. Thirteen years later, every time I see my feet, I look at them and ask myself, "are my big toes really that big? Are they just normal big or, like, freakishly big?" I haven't decided yet. But it's funny how something someone said to me so long ago made such an impact. Just more proof that words matter. 

Share your stories in the linkup below! Happy Saturday. :)


Friday, 24 May 2013

My 3 most rottenest of traits

OMG, not another serious one! One that requires thought! Gosh, this "coming up with posts of substance" stuff is hard work. Day 24 is your top three worst traits. But wait! I thought blogging was about making everyone believe you're perfect!  Oops. Not if you're taking part in the Blog Every Day In May Challenge, it's not. Muhahaha.

So.... what are my top 3 worst traits?

Easy.

1. I am lacking in discipline and a chronic procrastinator. People often advise me to make lists, since it "feels so good to check them off." But for me, if it's on a list of things I need to do, I will automatically do everything else I can find to do except the things on the list. It would probably be more effective if I made a To Do list of things I shouldn't do, because, ipso facto, I would then maybe do the things I should. It's confusing, being me.



2. I am argumentative. If I hear someone say something I believe to be false in any capacity, my nature does not allow me to sit idly by without arguing. Poor Matthew receives the brunt of this personality trait. Apparently it's very annoying. On that note, I am also bossy. Or as I prefer to put it, a born dictator leader.



3. I am selfish. I like things my way, and I'm not a very good sharer. I don't typically put others first. I know some amazingly selfless people, and I marvel at their goodness, but I am not, intrinsically, one of them. I will not share my last bit of ice cream with you. I will forget to send you a card for your birthday. I will get too busy with my own endeavors to ask you about yours. But I'm getting better about this, little by little. I don't like this about myself, and that's the first step to reform, I hope.


What about you? What are your top three worst traits? Share in the linkup below today's featured SOML sponsors....

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Devon authors The Mermaid Chronicles, a blog about fabulous life in sunny San Diego following her passion for writing and SURFING! This beautiful girl has a beautiful love story over here (swoon!) and lots of easy links to get to know her better over here. You will love her gorgeous, sea-drenched photos and beautiful way with words. Go right on over and say hello.



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The Nectar Collective is a beautiful blog by a beautiful girl named Melyssa who happens to be funny, too. She's an American living in Japan, which mixes things up some, and she posts on fabulous DIYs (how cute is this idea?!), her adventures in Japan, and she's even participating in the May challenge! There's lots of great ways to get to know this girl, and one is to start right here. Have fun!



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Lastly, I'd love to turn your attention to a website called Sunglasses Shop where you will find a vast assortment of all the sunglasses under the sun. Really! My favorite way to start looking is to browse the style guide.  Aviators your thing? Wayfarers? How 'bout Harry Potter-esque rounds? This shop has 'em all, and great brands too. Definitely consider Sunglasses shop for all your sunglasses needs!


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Saturday, 18 May 2013

A tribute to Ginger

Blog Every Day In May, Day 18.  Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.



My first experience with death was after the loss of our beloved guinea pig, Ginger, when I was probably about 6 or 7 years old. Ginger was a good pig - the best of any of the six I've had during my lifetime thus far. She was intelligent, good-hearted, loved watermelon and lettuce, and squeaked profusely whenever a family member descended the creaky stairs of our Virginia home to join her on the first floor in the mornings.  Little did she know, Ginger would be dropped down those same stairs one day, her leg would be broken, and she would die soon thereafter. Like I said, this would be my first experience with death.

I remember rather well when my parents told me Ginger had passed while I'd been out, or perhaps it was while I'd been sleeping. That part is fuzzy. But there were endless tears, and I was devastated that she  was gone for good. 

We wrapped her little lifeless body in a towel and placed it in a shoebox, and that evening we buried her in our garden out behind the house. I remember so vividly because just as her burial was complete and we were adding the last mounds of soil over her shoebox, "taps" began to play softly in the distance. We lived on an Army base, and they played taps every evening, apparently. We all burst into tearful laughter. It was such an appropriate tribute to our Ginger. Still miss you, little pig. Neither Lucy nor Grettle nor Clover nor Maya nor Benjamin ever lived up to the standard you set. May you continue to rest in peace in the little vegetable garden... I hope that taps still play to you every evening....


Monday, 13 May 2013

Dear Matthew

Day 13. Issue a public apology. Don't worry, this will only be marginally uncomfortable for all of us.

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*he hates having his picture taken. It is physically painful for him.

Dear Matthew,

When you and I met over four years ago, you really had no idea what you were getting into, did you? And neither did I, to be fair. People tend to be on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship, and then sometimes, as time passes and life happens, you start to learn some things about the inner workings of a person, the way they're wired, and sometimes you're really impressed and sometimes you're taken aback or concerned or annoyed or what have you.  All that's normal, of course. However, I feel the need to publicly announce how sorry I am that you got stuck with someone with as severe PMS and overall emotional instability as me. Of course, this emotional instability is only seasonal (approximately two weeks out of every month), but still. That's a good chunk of our life you spend juggling my mood swings, snappiness, random bursts of crying during Pedigree or ASPCA commercials, questioning the meaning of life, yelling at you, tired apathy, incessant complaining, and/or general moping about. I'm afraid that most everyone else gets the best version of me, and so often you're the only one that sees the worst. It's not really fair. 

The truth is that you are quite constant, even in your traits that drive me crazy, but I am not. You walk a precarious line, never sure which version of Jenni you'll face today. And that must be difficult. You're a saint for putting up with it and loving me anyway. I really am sorry for what I so often put you through, and I really am so thankful that you choose every day (every minute, sometimes) to love me anyway. I admire you so much, though sometimes your awesomeness only pisses me off more, in the moment, because it's hard to stand next to someone who stays on such an utterly straight and narrow path comprised of perfect discipline and go-getterness that I wish I had. Maybe over time your steadfastness will rub off on me, and some of my good traits will rub off on you a little, too. I see it happening a bit already, and it makes me smile. Hopefully we don't just drive each other completely bat-shit-crazy in the interim. Love, love, love you,  

Jenni

Friday, 10 May 2013

Mortification.

I have no good graphic for today, so a crappy ole' cell phone pic it is.

The Challenge topic for today is most embarrassing moments, which I debated even including because I certainly do have some doozies I'm not sure I'd like to re-live. Those of you who've been reading this blog a long, long time might remember a vlog way-back-when in which I told the little story about accidentally flashing all my friends in 7th grade while attempting to show off my swimsuit top, which was super mortifying at the time, but even more humiliating things have happened since, I'm sad to say. My top-most embarrassing experiences are all a little risqué, and just re-telling the tale of them sort of gives me these intense waves of nausea, but apparently I'm a little bit of a glutton for punishment, so here goes.

Picture this.
(...I'm not sure I can tell it in complete sentences... it's too painful.)
Matthew and I out to a fancy dinner with a huge (as in important) client of his and the client's wife.
Lovely outdoor patio overlooking the ocean in Huntington Beach, California.
Great conversation.
Nice older couple.
Matthew pulls out his cell phone to show the man photos of the progress on our new house.
Scrolling side-to-side (iPhone) through the photos.
Not looking at the phone while he scrolls.
Lands on a photo while he talks.
Client says "that's a butt!"and Matthew looks down, horrified, to discover he is showing the client a naked photo of me.
I realize what just happened and want to die.
Have to spend the rest of evening with strange man/client who just saw a very compromising photo of me.
Continue to want to die.
The end.

I have another similar story as well, but believe it or not, it's even more inappropriate. *Bangs head against desk.* I'm embarrassed just thinking about it....

Ok, spill the beans. I can't be the only one baring my soul here. Leave your linkups below today's fabulous featured SOML sponsors! :)

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Lovely miss Shanna is the brains behind Because Shanna Said So, a personal style and life blog that you simply cannot help but love. Shanna is a fellow Austin blogger I've had the pleasure of spending in-person time with, and her fun personality shines just as bright in-real-life, too! :) Shanna is a master at putting together the perfect outfits on a budget (even offers personal styling, and she's GREAT at what she does!), but besides all that, she shares snippets of her life and bits about her family that really help you get to know the girl behind the pretty clothes. Go meet Shanna - this girl is going places! (literally - she just won a trip to London! Dig a bit, and you'll find her fun recap posts...)



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Taking Notes, Coast to Coast is a blog by a sweet girl named Danielle with the cutest dog you ever did see (Huckleberry! Don't you just love him?!). Danielle is a technical writer by day, blogger extraordinaire by night, and she's married to a cute guy she moved from Virginia to Washington to be with (hence the blog name!). Danielle is also currently participating in the Blog Every Day In May challenge, so there are plenty of current posts to help you get to know this Blogland gem... go get busy! :)



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Casey is the brains behind True Colors, a blog where she documents her worldwide travel and will surely make you green with envious wanderlust. I urge you to stop by and explore some of the pages on her nav bar, where she'll lead you to places she's been, places she's going, her favorite places, and her excellent travel guides. Stop by here first and get to know this Portland girl a little better, then enjoy traveling the globe with miss Casey...



Friday, 3 May 2013

Things that make me uncomfortable


Day 3 of the the Challenge is "things that make you uncomfortable." We all have our things.  While preparing for this post, I realized that not a lot of things make me uncomfortable, but most things that DO are bathroom-related. You can use your imagination there. Basically, anything that involves public restrooms or using a restroom at someone's house makes me extremely uncomfortable. True story: when I was in middle school I used to turn on every faucet in the girl's locker room bathroom before I peed, because I didn't want anyone to actually hear me peeing. I'm glad to say I've mostly gotten past this hiccup, but everything to do with bathrooms that aren't in my own home and preferably tucked away in a distant corner of the house makes me uncomfortable.  TMI? Sorry!

I would say the other top-most uncomfortable thing for me is watching a movie with sex scenes with your parents. Wait, that sounded wrong! Not actually watching your parents performing in the sex scenes. Just watching the sex scenes with your parents in the same room.

Another true story: Matthew and I often go down to my in-laws' (his parents') ranch on weekends, and while there we sometimes drive into town to see a movie. One time we decided to see "The American" with George Clooney, not knowing what it was about going in, and gosh, the first half hour was full of really explicit stuff (like, full frontal female nudity!), and I literally wanted to die. I wanted to actually die. And at one point I could no longer handle it, and the uncomfortableness welled up inside me in such a manner that I had to get up and just bolt out of there, mumbling something along the lines of "I can't take this! I have to leave, it's too awkward!" Luckily we all thought the movie was horribly boring anyway, and everyone agreed on leaving. But GOSH. SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

Lastly, talking on the phone, oddly enough. It's not so much that it makes me truly uncomfortable, but it does turn me into this strange, anxiety-ridden version of myself that I hardly recognize. If I have to talk to someone on the phone, especially a stranger (a doctor's office, a credit card company, a plumber, etc), I will first put it off as long as humanly possible. If it's an incoming call, I'll probably screen it and be like "well crap, I guess I'll have to call them back... in four months." Once I finally do wind up on the phone with someone, I pace around like a neurotic little gerbil in a cage. I cannot stop moving. It would be interesting to have a hidden camera in my home, to study the phone-pacing. It's just not a relaxing experience for me. When I get off the call, it's like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders and I need a nap. Very strange, I know. So if you want to get ahold of me, texting or email is probably the way to go if you want to spare me this discomfort (unless you're my mom, husband, or a very close friend... then you're exempt and you probably don't make me uncomfortable). 

That's it for now. Tell us, what makes YOU most uncomfortable?! Linkup beneath today's featured SOML sponsors (which are exceptionally fabulous today!). Happy Friday...

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Penny Pincher Fashion is an absolutely lovely blog by an absolutely lovely lady named Kimberly. Kimberly is a stay-at-home mom and blogger in upstate New York, and the premise of her blog is what you might suspect based on the name - fashion on a budget! You'll first notice how stunningly beautiful Kimberly is, but besides that, she's a PRO at putting together absolutely perfect outfits that are perfectly affordable, as well. She is such an inspiration! Here's one of my recent favorite outfits she's styled. This is one blogger you need to meet.



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Jordyn is the brains behind The Fairy Princess Diaries, a blog I'm sure you'll agree is witty, adorable, and completely fantastic. This is the first post of Jordyn's I read, and I was sold. Hook, Line, and Sinker. Especially since Boo and my Gracie could be twins, in more ways than one! Please go do yourself a favor (RIGHT THIS MINUTE!) and go read a little more about her here. This girl's personality absolutely shines, and you will fall in love a little more with every Fairy Princess Diary post you read. Jordyn, can we BFFs?! Great, thanks.



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Last but not least is my dearer than dear friend Casey of We Took The Road Less Traveled, a blog that chronicles her absolutely enchanting life overseas with her military husband. These two are world class travelers and I absolutely love to follow their adventures. Casey's beautiful, smiling face and bubbly personality is the icing on the cake! She's one of those bloggers whom you'd recognize a comment from, even if she didn't leave her name, you know? She is just a light. Get to know her better right over here, and go explore the world with Casey!


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***In the "Name" box of the linkup you have 50 characters, and I encourage you to write the name of your post, your blog, or something extra instead of just your actual name - that will make things more interesting and eye-catching on this list! :)

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

"No one will ever like me!"


Yesterday I logged into an old blog account and started reading posts from years ago, which is weird and interesting and sort of feels like peeking into someone's mind who looks familiar but altogether different. Different home. Different city. Different job. Different man. Hadn't lost someone. Hadn't found myself. But the voice was the same. I recognized the voice. I recognized and related when that girl back in 2008 said she wants to work from home, set her own hours, be her own boss, write, be creative... I said, "I am, always have been, and always will be, a writer. A creator. An artist. A free spirit." That much has not changed. 

In related news, I also discovered a folder of my old poetry the other day, and I had a good laugh reading through some of them. HOLY MACKEREL, was I dramatic. You would think I lived the hardest life ever, if you'd only read my teenage self's poetry. It went back even farther than that, actually, as evidenced by a poem I wrote in 1998 (age 11). I still feel like that little girl sometimes, but I think (I hope!) that most of this is now behind me. Here, have a chuckle.

No One Will Ever Like Me

"No one will ever like me!"
Said Jenni (last name) one day
When my hair finally does look right,
For certain it won't stay that way

My glasses take up half my face
My pimples own the other space
My bangs do never stay in place,
"No one will ever like me!"

One ear is bigger than the other,
"You're beautiful!" Says lying mother
I know I'm not, 
It's clear to spot,
"No one will ever like me!"

*If you remember reading this poem already it's because I shared it in a guest post a couple years ago

Oh, the angst. Actually, those descriptions of myself were pretty accurate, since that poem was written around the time this photo was taken. Eek.  Have you seen this video on self image? Pretty captivating. We're all our own worst critics. 

Here's some outfit photos featuring a dress from the SWEET new online store, Hazel & Olive. I am actually a little obsessed with this shop. Right down my alley. 

And that concludes today's randomness.

{ Dress: c/o Hazel & Olive, Hat: Target: Shoes: Aldo, Bag: Thrifted }

Have you ever sat on or very near to a fire ant mound and been stung multiple times in very sensitive areas of your anatomy?  I have.