The most pictures of Matthew smiling you'll ever see, AKA law school graduation

Folks, it was a happy, happy day on Saturday... a milestone, really. Matthew graduated law school, half a year early, and with honors... and we couldn't be more proud. Law school is one of those things you apparently don't appreciate the magnitude and the difficulty of unless you've experienced it yourself. I, obviously, have NOT experienced it myself, but I had a very tiny taste of what my husband went through when I would read his papers, during which time I'd have actual flashes of jumping off a very tall building just to make it stop.

I remember sitting down at the kitchen table of our old home, over three years ago, having the law school discussion for the first time. I was taken aback because I didn't know it was Matthew's ambition to go to law school and because he had a great career going already, but education is always a good thing, and I DID know I had married a man with big ambition. So he began to study for the LSAT, applied to numerous law schools, and at that time our future was very much up in the air... as, in reality, it's been ever since and continues to be. We lived apart for two years since he studied in a different city and came home only on weekends, if at all, and Matthew himself has lived in five different places - at our old home, at an apartment for a year, with a friend, with his parents, and now with my mom. He's really the one who's done most of the sacrificing. And all this we did because we know the power of further education and it's ability to transform who you are as a person and how your life plays out, and because a few years is only the blink of an eye in the grand scheme.

During the time Matthew was hard at study and mostly away, I had to occupy myself somehow and also help pay our bills, so a little business was born that has now absolutely saved us financially and given me so much happiness and purpose. So all in all, law school has been a great thing and the beginning of many other great things, I'm sure of it.

Thank you for all your hard work, husband of mine... cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.

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Matthew's Top 10 Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Sunday night Matthew and I were laying in bed after a truly epic 10 hours of watching The Walking Dead marathon (I kid you not, we laid in front of the TV for ten straight hours, I might as well have been chained there for all I moved), and I said to him, "I have absolutely nothing to blog about this week. This entire day was consumed with the Walking Dead and I simply didn't have time to think about blogging. This sucks. WAIT, YOU CAN GUEST POST FOR ME."

Those of you who've been reading long enough may recall that Matthew is a bit of a "prepper." Not like the crazy ones you see on TV, but he enjoys preparing for worst-case scenarios.  So now... please enjoy Matthew's list of 10 Things You Need To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.

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Jenni asked if I could write a top ten list of things people would need to survive the oncoming apocalypse.  I am by no means an expert, but I said sure, and now you get to read this literary masterpiece.   I don’t really think the zombies are coming, and nobody can stockpile enough supplies to last a lifetime.  In reality, making sure you have two weeks of supplies should be enough for you to weather the storm until things return to normal.  Most people don’t have supplies to last more than 2 days, which is a scary thought considering what lengths some people go to in order to survive.  So, without further ado, here is your “Top Ten Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse That is Not Going to Happen But You Need This Stuff Anyways Because I Won’t Share With You.”  Seriously, I won’t share.  Anyone who tries to convince me to share will enjoy me sharing the barrel end of my shotgun in their face.

Grocery stores have something called “on demand warehousing.”  That means grocery stores don’t stockpile stuff like they use to.  Nowadays the delivery guy drops off goods about every other day.  Because of this almost every grocery store would run out of basic essentials within 3 days of the last delivery.

1.  Water:  In order make sure you have enough, you’ll need 1 gallon of water per person per day.  We have two dogs, so that makes 4 gallons of water per day.   If you decide to stock pile water, a good tip is to buy the Ozarka brand.  They come in 3 quart sizes, so you’ll need to buy a few extra to make up the difference (4 quarts = 1 gallon), but unlike normal milk gallon style jugs, the Ozarka brand is stackable to save space.

2.  Food:  The best way to stockpile food is to can it (hint Jenni). You obviously can’t store perishable items for very long, so the second best way is to just buy canned goods.  Remember that you’re getting just enough to get by, so you don’t have to clean out the grocery store.  It’s a good idea to get meals, like beef stew.  It’s an easy way to get your calories in, while not taking too much extra space in your pantry.  Another great way is get a bunch of Mountain House freeze dried camping meals.  They have a shelf life of 20 years and only require warm water.  The pouch they come in serves as the bowl so you don’t have to waste water on cleaning dishes.  And they’re delicious.  They need to be stored in a cool and dry place, not your garage or attic.  We keep ours in a closet.  But I’m not going to tell you which closet it is.  It’s booby-trapped.  

3.  Clothing:    If you’ve ever gone on a vacation with a guy, you realize how much stuff we forget.  I pack in like two minutes.  Seriously.  I always remember my tooth brush and that’s about it. I never remember my swimsuit.  Ever.  And we always go to the beach.  Clothing isn’t as big of a deal where we live because it doesn’t get very cold.  For those of you who live in cooler climates where it snows and the leaves change, I hate you.  Kidding.  I just miss the seasons.  Anyways, just remember that once the power goes out, the heater won’t work and we don’t need any more unplanned babies in this world.      

4.  Firearms.  Here is an area that many so-called preppers go way overboard (no babe…each gun we own is for a very specific purpose.)  Seriously, people will go out and spend all their money on guns and forget to spend any money or time making sure they have enough food.  Think about what I just said.  If they don’t have food and they need food, guess what they are going to use to get the food?  Even if you’re a diehard liberal and hate guns, don’t be naive.  Go buy a gun.  Guns don’t kill people.  It’s not going to wake up and walk itself over to your bed and hold you at gunpoint.  The only way gun violence will end is if there isn’t a single gun on the planet and that’s not going to happen.  Besides, we’ve been killing each other since before guns were invented and it’s not going to stop because people hold up signs trying to convince the president to ban ARs.   If you’re going to limit yourself to only one gun, then buy a 12 gauge shotgun.  Nothing is more proven for home defense and it’s a weapon that, if it ever came to it, you could hunt with it.  They are simple to use, ammunition is readily available, and you can pick one up for around $300.  Nothing strikes more fear in an intruder than the sound a shotgun makes when you load a round.  If you refuse to own a gun, then don’t advertise your decision.  Yours is the first house hungry people will be coming to and it doesn’t take very long until your neighbor, who you had lunch with last Friday, is pointing a .45 at you demanding food and water.  If you still don’t want to own a gun and would choose death because of your “principles,” then I hope you’re single and don’t have a family that you’d be putting at risk because you want to defend your home with a wooden spoon.

5.  Games.  Many people overlook how boredom can affect a person’s optimism.  In dire situations, a positive outlook can mean the difference between life and death.  I don’t think people will die of boredom in two weeks, but having something to do really helps to keep your mind off a tough situation.  Board games are a great way to pass time and a deck of cards always comes in handy.  I’ve chosen Monopoly and only Monopoly, because I’m incredible at it.  Jenni hates to play me.  It’s awesome to see her financial empire crushed by my impressive strategic maneuvering.  She’s amazing at Scrabble and she destroys me.  She thinks I put it in our emergency supplies.  I burned it.

6.  Medical supplies.  You should go through your medicine cabinet right now.  Ours was terrible.  We had medicine that expired in 2004.  Seriously, who keeps allergy medicine from nearly a decade ago?  A good first aid kit is something everyone should have and make sure that you have enough pain and cold medicine, allergy medicine, etc.  A good tip is to also refill your prescriptions early.  Most insurance companies will allow a refill after 20 days (meaning you have 10 days left until you’re out).  If you do this just once, then you’ll always have an extra 10 day supply in case something happens.  Just be sure to check the expiration date.  Whenever I get a refill, I separate a 10-day supply from the new batch and throw in last month’s pills into the new bottle.  That way I always have the freshest emergency supply.

7.  Pet supplies.  People often forget to stock up on dog food (or cat food).  Dogs can obviously survive for two weeks on human food if you forget, but getting an extra bag of dog food is such an easy thing to do.  Also make sure you have an extra supply of medication too and toys for them to play with.

8.  Emergency power.  We have a GoalZero power brick.  It’s kind of expensive, but it’s one of those things you wish you had when you need it.  I keep it plugged in and it stores enough power to run a small TV for 8 hours.  It can charge an iPad 12 times, an iPhone 90 times, and can run a radio for nearly 400 hours straight.  If the power goes out, you’re going to want something to keep your electronics charged and have a source of power for a radio to receive updates from emergency responders.  The smarter use is to keep your wife happy by using it to watch every Harry Potter three times.

9.  Lighting.  This ties into number 8.  If the power grid goes down, then you’re on your own when the sun goes down.  Flashlights are a good bet, but there are better options today than the old D battery Mag-lites.  I keep a solar powered flashlight on the dash of my truck.  It will provide light for 80 hours.  I also have a hand-cranked light that will provide 20 minutes of light for 30 seconds of cranking.  But if things get bad, just make sure you don’t attract attention by having your house the only house lit up at night.  Emergency generators are great, but not if you’re the only one on your block that has one.  Close your drapes at night to not attract attention.  

10.  For most of us, our preparations are limited to what our budget allows.  For those of you who can afford anything, I highly suggest that you purchase this, this, and this.  All three are highly necessary.

I really don’t think zombies are going to take over the world.  I do, however, think it’s vitally important to be prepared because no one can predict what’s going to happen.  Do you think the people affected by Hurricane Katrina ever thought they would be without food and water for three weeks?  What about everyone hit by Hurricane Sandy?  The Rodney King riots shut down grocery stores and gas stations for 8 days.  The Los Angeles earthquake caused nearly 6,000 people to be surrounded by concrete and the only method of evacuation was by helicopter.  Imagine placing yourself in a concrete fish bowl for two weeks without food and fresh water.   And let’s never forget what happened on September 11th, 2001.

Some of the preppers or survivalists take it way too far (I always wonder where they get their money to buy all this stuff because none of them ever seem to have a job?).  These people have built underground bunkers, walk around in bullet proof vests, build compounds in the desert with solar powered toilets, etc.  If that’s your thing, have at it.  To me, it’s taking it too far.  No one can store enough preparations to last until you die.  At some point, stockpiles run out and you have to turn to a self sustaining lifestyle (Jenni, please learn how to can food and bake bread.  You’d make me so happy).  A reasonable amount of preparations is something everyone should have on hand.  At the very least, it can provide you with a peace of mind that if something were to happen, you’d likely be able to weather the storm until things return to normal.

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Want more from Matthew? Check out the "Ask Matthew" posts Part One and Two. :)

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The end of one era, the beginning of another

Today might just be another Wednesday for you, but for us, it's a big, big day. A special occasion, really. The end of something we're not sad to see go. The beginning of something else, even though we're not quite sure what that will look like...

Once again, I haven't been completely honest with my blog. For the last two years, actually!  August 15th, 2011, I wrote a post about Matthew starting up law school, and now here we are, almost August of 2013, and he is pretty much done. The guy crammed a three year program into two, because he's crazy like that, and while he won't graduate officially until December or take the bar until February, we are done with living apart.

See how I slipped that in there? Living apart! For the last two years, I only saw my husband on weekends and holidays, because he went to school in a different city. Sometimes he wouldn't come home a weekend at all, if he had too much work to do, or finals to study for. I've spent more time alone in the last two years than ever before in my life, and of course it was lonely and frustrating at times, for both of us. For safety reasons I never broadcasted that I was living alone all week, even though it was such a big part of my life the last two years. It's hard to keep that kind of thing quiet, you know? When all you want to do is scream, "I WANT A NORMAL LIFE! I WANT A HUSBAND! THIS ISN'T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!"

I say that with a smile on my face, really. We survived it. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say we thrived during this period, especially in our own separate endeavors. Matthew and I are both really independent individuals, we both had plenty of our own stuff going on to keep us busy, and I actually wonder if his living away during the week made the whole thing a little easier on both of us. Like, an out of sight, out of mind type of thing. Since we weren't living together, I couldn't focus on the fact that he was always studying and never had time for me. Instead, I just did my own thing. Kept up my blog, started my business, made lots of relationships here in Austin. It worked out, and now, tonight, he'll come home and this will be over. We'll have to acclimate to each other again, find a new routine. But I think we're both so excited for that... it's like letting out a breath you've been holding for a long time. A sigh of relief. "Real life" won't start until he gets a job after the bar, but wait, scratch that. THIS IS real life. It's our real life now. Being together again. Learning to put someone else at the same level of priority as yourself. Waiting for our new home to be finished. Enjoying time with my mom in the meantime. Dreaming about the future. Working hard to make that future happen. This is real life NOW. We always have to remind ourselves to stop waiting for it to begin, when it truly already has.

Anyway, PHEW. It feels good to get that off my chest. I'm so excited for what's to come, you guys! Matthew and I really want to have FUN this next year. He still has lots of work and studying for the bar to do, and he starts an internship this fall, but we want to try lots of new things (remember the Happy documentary?) and really work on our relationship before bringing little spawns into the picture. Wish us luck. ;)

*PS - I feel the need to apologize for the quality of that picture up top there. We snapped it on my phone at our new house last night, not thinking it would ever be shared, but it turns out I don't have many pictures of me and Matthew together... since you, know, I barely saw the guy the last couple years. ;)

*PPS - crazy how much progress there's been on our house in barely over a week, right?? They just started framing last Monday!

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Dear Matthew

Day 13. Issue a public apology. Don't worry, this will only be marginally uncomfortable for all of us.

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*he hates having his picture taken. It is physically painful for him.

Dear Matthew,

When you and I met over four years ago, you really had no idea what you were getting into, did you? And neither did I, to be fair. People tend to be on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship, and then sometimes, as time passes and life happens, you start to learn some things about the inner workings of a person, the way they're wired, and sometimes you're really impressed and sometimes you're taken aback or concerned or annoyed or what have you.  All that's normal, of course. However, I feel the need to publicly announce how sorry I am that you got stuck with someone with as severe PMS and overall emotional instability as me. Of course, this emotional instability is only seasonal (approximately two weeks out of every month), but still. That's a good chunk of our life you spend juggling my mood swings, snappiness, random bursts of crying during Pedigree or ASPCA commercials, questioning the meaning of life, yelling at you, tired apathy, incessant complaining, and/or general moping about. I'm afraid that most everyone else gets the best version of me, and so often you're the only one that sees the worst. It's not really fair. 

The truth is that you are quite constant, even in your traits that drive me crazy, but I am not. You walk a precarious line, never sure which version of Jenni you'll face today. And that must be difficult. You're a saint for putting up with it and loving me anyway. I really am sorry for what I so often put you through, and I really am so thankful that you choose every day (every minute, sometimes) to love me anyway. I admire you so much, though sometimes your awesomeness only pisses me off more, in the moment, because it's hard to stand next to someone who stays on such an utterly straight and narrow path comprised of perfect discipline and go-getterness that I wish I had. Maybe over time your steadfastness will rub off on me, and some of my good traits will rub off on you a little, too. I see it happening a bit already, and it makes me smile. Hopefully we don't just drive each other completely bat-shit-crazy in the interim. Love, love, love you,  

Jenni

If you don't ask, you don't get.

an oldie, but still one of my faves.

Can I talk about this guy for a minute? Just for a minute, I promise. To be quite honest with you, three-quarters of the time this guy drives me bat-shit crazy, and we both, in fact, routinely make sadistic jokes about desiring to push the other down the stairs or inflict other mild injuries that won't necessarily mortally wound but will definitely cause discomfort, but despite that, we love each other like crazy. I think finally, after three years of marriage, we're both feeling very secure in that fact. 

Lately I have felt this profound sense of gratitude for being given the gift of this relationship and its influence in my life. I remember having a conversation with my mom once, really early on in my relationship with Matthew, and I was telling her about what a go-getter he is, how driven and determined and assertive he is. She was super happy for me and my happiness, of course, but I remember her bringing it to my attention that often the things we love about our sigO in the beginning are the very same personality traits that wind up driving us nuts later on, or manifesting themselves in different ways that aren't as attractive. And I think that has been so true for both me and Matthew. Determined and assertive can also feel like stubborn and abrasive, at times... things like that. But I am learning to accept the good with the not-so-good, and love this man I married for all the things that make up who he is, even the parts I'm not as fond of. I'm sure he could write an entire book on my not-so-good traits, as well, so touché. 

Anyway, that was two whole paragraphs just to get warmed up and say what I really want to say. I felt compelled to tell it here because not everyone has a Matthew in their life, and I wanted to share some of the lessons this guy has taught me.  

From day one of meeting him, I have been blown away by his sheer tenacity (as evidenced in our love story and his persistence in the beginning there). Nevermind that he's a good-looking guy who may or may not possess a Super Power of melting people's brains with his eyes, but besides that, he simply does the hard or uncomfortable things that most people won't, like sometimes simply asking for what he wants or needs. Not accepting the current standard or rules. Expecting better from people.

I think the number one thing I've learned from Matthew can be summed up in a phrase I've heard him say multiple times over the last four years of knowing him: "if you don't ask, you don't get." I think so often we all live with this crippling fear of rejection... maybe it's a pride thing, or maybe it's just a lack of confidence thing. But too often we are afraid to reach out, to negotiate, to ask for a discount, to invite a prominent person in your profession out to lunch, and so on. I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed this guy simply asking for something I would have been way too chicken to ask for, and then he gets it. So much of the time! He has saved us literally thousands of dollars on things like furniture or car repairs or vet visits or prescriptions, because he'll ask if there are discounts available to people like students or he'll search online for coupons or otherwise just take extra steps that "normal" people (such as myself) are too lazy to take, and then we pay extra for it. Another example! Back when he started law school, he found a guy on LinkedIn that was a part of the same fraternity in a different state back in college, graduated from his same law school, and is now a partner in a local law firm, and Matthew just cold-called the guy and asked him out to lunch. He made a good connection and friend he now sees all the time. Things like that. The list goes on and on of these things I've seen Matthew do, but the bottom line is it's just a little extra effort that most people wouldn't make, and most importantly, he doesn't let fear of failure or rejection paralyze his life. The worst someone can say to you when you ask them for a favor is "no." And really, how bad is that? The reward usually always outweighs the potential risk. A little at a time, Matthew's no-apologies approach to pursuing goals is rubbing off on me, though I like to think I bring fine feminine sensibilities and more empathy to the table, which makes us a good team. ;)

Bottom line: ask for what you need! Whether that's from your significant other (I need more words of affirmation! I need more foreplay! I need marriage counseling! ha), from your cable provider (Matthew actually got our monthly bill down from over $100 to $40 once?!), your car mechanic, your wedding vendors, your boss, your friend, and the list goes on! It's not always about money, I hope I'm making that clear. It's just about not being ashamed or timid when it comes to creating your own life. If you don't ask, you don't get. A good thing to remember. :)

Happy Wednesday!

3 years of marital blish

No my friends, that's not a typo up there. I just made up a new word. It means bliss-ish. Kind of sort of bliss, but not really.  Read on.

Today is me and Matthew's three year wedding anniversary... we met almost exactly one year before our wedding, so we've been together now about four years. Four years! I know some of you lifers say pashaaww, that's nothing. But to me, it's something. It's now the longest relationship I've been in, which is pretty neat.

I get a lot of visitors to our love story, and a lot of emails thanking me for writing it. The other day I reread the thing in its entirety, and while it brought back some lovely memories and totally made me smile, I couldn't help but think how very incomplete the story is. How much has happened since. How much we've learned, changed, grown, and are still growing. And I feel like it's time I set the record straight on how I feel about marriage. Or mine, anyway.

When you're in a relationship - married or just dating - and especially if you're having some routine problems like most people do at some point, it's easy to look at other couples, or read blogs about other couples, and feel inferior. You start to hear this little voice inside that's saying "they seem happier than you do. more compatible. her husband is totally more handy than yours. more fashionable. more agreeable. more successful. they probably make a ton of money. they probably have sex five times a week. I bet they don't argue about the dumb shit we do. I bet she's a better wife, and never complains. I bet he's a better husband, and treats her like a queen." And so on and so forth.

And you know what? Maybe some of those things are true. Maybe they really are the perfect couple, and maybe they really are happier than you, at this moment in time. I guess I can't really speak for all those other hypothetical perfect couples. But I can speak for us. And let me tell you, marriage can get rough sometimes. You know all that stuff I said in our love story about the law of attraction? Totally still true, but it gets more difficult to implement that law when life starts chucking lemons at you, when the day in and day out gets real monotonous, when you have health issues, work issues, financial problems, the stress of continuing education (hello, law school!), family drama, personal problems, or when you find you disagree on major issues or the direction of your lives. What do you do then?

I'm chuckling to myself, because Matthew and I have been through it all these past few years. Only a few people know the full story. Just last year we were hanging on by a thread... there was lots of anger and tears and marriage counseling and tweaking this and tweaking that, and I'm only writing this now because I'm confident we've come out on the other side.  (oh, and you thought you knew everything about us by reading this blog? proof that blogs are just a peek, right here!)

But what is the point in telling you all this? Have we discovered the perfect formula for a successful marriage? I wish we did, folks, I wish we did. I wanted to express to you, though, that it's OK if your story doesn't look like a fairytale. Ours started out pretty blissful, but fairytales leave off at happily ever after, don't they? They never really get into the real stuff about cohabiting with someone, about traveling through life with them and taking the hard punches together, making babies together and the stresses that entails, changing together as humans often do, and continuing to love despite that change. So many marriages end in divorce because people are too quick to peace out when they get to the part about marriage is hard work. They think, "yeah, but not this kind of hard work. This is grounds for divorce, for sure." But the truth is that the hard work will look different for everyone. Maybe it will be harder hard work for some than for others, depending on circumstances. But as long as you still have real love for each other and are willing to accept a person as they are, you have what you need. The work part comes in changing yourself, almost 100% of the time. That much I have learned to be true.

I'm not advocating dysfunctional relationships. I'm not saying you should ever stay in one that makes you miserable and drags you down. Life is too short for that. But I remember when we were going through some of our hardest periods last year, and I would ask Matthew if he still loved me. Every time, he would choke up and say yes, without hesitation. And I knew he was worth it, and I knew I wanted us, and I knew he wanted us. When your hearts are in the right place, you find a way to make it.  Gold is only purified by fire... remember that.

*****

The following excerpt was read at our wedding. Ironic that I chose this piece. I love it more today than I ever loved it before.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth….
But if in your fear you would only seek love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover you nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor,
Into a seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course…
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

~ from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran 

Our first dance was to this song... still one of my favorites. :)

Just another routine catastrophe in my kitchen

This is kind of embarrassing as it's the second time this week I've talked about doughnuts, but this story is too astounding not to tell.

Over the weekend, I woke up one morning super grumpy and hormonal feeling, and I had this idea in my head that only doughnuts could make me feel better. Only doughnuts. Matthew said that you can actually make doughnuts with Bisquick, and do we have any Bisquick? So I pitter-pattered into the pantry where I found a box of Bisquick and proceeded to happily Google "Bisquick doughnut recipes."  (how many times can you say Bisquick in one paragraph? I bet I just maxed it out).

I found a recipe that seemed to suffice, so I pulled out the deep fryer that we got for a wedding gift and never used, and then poured an entire unopened bottle of vegetable oil in it, only to find that wasn't even barely enough to cover the bottom of the little fryer basket in there, and thus wouldn't be deep enough to fry the doughnuts in. So I was like, "Matthew, what do I do in this situation?" and he, being the very intelligent man that he is, transferred some of the oil into a frying pan, where it was plenty deep enough to fry some doughnuts in. He turned on the burner for me and then returned to the couch and his iPad, while I busied myself with dough preparation.

Well, I am rather slow when it comes to reading and following new recipes, so while I was meticulously measuring ingredients and shaping dough into little circles with holes in the middle, Matthew was noticing a lot of smoke and odor coming from the kitchen, so he came back in to check it out.

"Oh my gosh, babe, did you not notice that the oil is burning and smoking?" He cried, as he switched off the burner and began to run around the house, frantically throwing open windows.

"Uhhh..." I said. "Well, you see, my glasses are really scratched up, and it's hard for me to see clearly, so I didn't notice the smoke."

*Matthew rolls eyes.*  But honestly, that was the truth! (just got new glasses in the mail... hopefully this crisis will be averted in the future)

So anyway, we cooled off the oil, and I started to fry up our doughnuts. The deep fryer not working out and the nearly setting off the smoke alarm were only minor setbacks, and I was confident the doughnuts themselves would make up for the process starting out a little rocky.

It would all be downhill from here, however. The next thing to go wrong was the fact that the doughnuts simply would not stay together. Every time I flipped one it would break into smaller and smaller pieces. Only one of the six I made managed to stay in tact. This was especially frustrating to me because I'm pretty big on the aesthetics of food. So perhaps in my hastiness and increasing frustration I became a bit careless, and at one point I was flipping a doughnut when I accidentally dropped it into the crackling oil, which then splattered out of the pan and onto Matthew's nearby leg. At this point he began bellowing curses and staggered over to the sink to grab paper towels with which to wipe off the hot grease, and I was feeling a mixture of horror and the strange urge to laugh hysterically because why am I being punished so severely for deciding to make these doughnuts?

We finally finished frying up the doughnuts (or shall I say, the ONE doughnut and many doughnut fragments) and then we sprinkled them with powdered sugar and iced them with some vanilla glaze I'd made. I took the one intact doughnut and arranged it nicely on a plate beside my coffee and snapped a picture of it on Instagram, planning to later pick a filter and post it as proof that the experience was not a complete loss. Then we started to eat our doughnuts, but unfortunately it turned out they wound up tasting "like they'd been fried in the same grease as a hamburger," as Matthew so aptly put it. They were disgusting.

To add insult to injury, after we decided not to eat them due to the nastiness, I went to Instagram my picture, and Instagram ate it. The screen just went white, and the photo never saved to my phone. At this point, I wasn't even surprised, because clearly this entire experience had been jinxed from the start. Now I didn't even have proof that one doughnut turned out nicely, so I had to Instagram what was, essentially, a pile of deformed dough balls (see photo above - and believe me, they tasted much worse than they looked).

So, what is the moral of the story here? Well, there really isn't much of one, except maybe to leave things like doughnut-making to Krispy Kreme or, better yet, Gourdough's, next time the hankering strikes. Some things are just better left to the professionals, no?

Conversations of Winter Break

Matthew's winter break is coming to a close, and this Monday, when law school fires back up on all cylinders, our lives will undoubtedly return to their usual state of loneliness, alienation, and despair.

Throughout the last month, I have recorded several of our more memorable conversations, if only so that I can read them later when I need reminding that my husband does, indeed, have a soul and even a sense of humor... when law school is not robbing him of all earthly pleasures and joys, that is. (just kidding, babe... you know I love you.)

Please enjoy the excerpts below, and Happy Wednesday!

Jenni: (folding a pair of old pj's) "Why do I keep these? I don't even like them and they are so old and gross. I'm throwing them away."

Matthew: "Don't throw them away! I'll put them in our end-of-the-world clothing reserve. You might love those one day."

* * * * *

Matthew: "What's up with all these creepy elf pictures people are putting on Facebook?"

Jenni: (explains the Elf on a Shelf phenomenon.)

Matthew: "We should get an elf and Barbie doll and post pictures of them banging."

* * * * *

Jenni: "You've been using lots of new big words since going to law school."

Matthew: "I do not believe that to be true."

Jenni: "Yesterday you said analogous."

Matthew: "That is erroneous!"

* * * * *

Jenni: "Did you know I've been recording* our conversations for use on a future blog post? Would you like to hear what I have so far?"

Matthew: "Yes I would. Especially since it's illegal to record my words without my consent. You are in violation of federal wire tapping laws, and I could punish you severely."

*note: I meant I have been recording them as in writing them down, not as in recording with sound.

* * * * *

Matthew: "Is there any chance you'll be entering the PMS stage while on our trip?"

Jenni: "No. And even if I was, I maintain that you have full control of the situation by how you treat me during that time."

Matthew: "That is ridiculous. Your PMS is not my problem."

(debate over the factuality of this statement ensues, Matthew maintaining that my PMS is not his problem and he shouldn't have to do anything different during this time; rather, I should control my emotions.)

Jenni: "I am unwavering in my position. I will experience a hormonal imbalance once per month for pretty much the rest of our lives, and the way you react to my initial testiness determines how far a potential issue will escalate. The ball is in your court."

Matthew: "You are like Obama. You can't be reasoned with."

* * * * *

Jenni: (returns Matthew's 52 page law school paper he asked her to read.) "Here you go, all finished. I'm going to go blow my brains out now."

Matthew: "Can you imagine having to write and read that stuff all day, every day, for every class?"

Jenni: "No, I can't. I would rather live forever in poverty than go to law school."

Matthew: "Yeah, there's a reason lawyers get paid so much. They deal with all the stuff that makes everyone else want to blow their brains out."

* * * * *

Jenni: (we refer to "Team MJ" occasionally to remind ourselves to play on the same team/build each other up) "You're not being very nice to me right now. What happened to Team MJ?"

Matthew: "Team MJ is no more. Team MJ is an expansion team in Paraguay."

* * * * *

And there you have it, folks. Just a small peek into the life and times of Jenni and Matthew. Hope one or two of these gave you a chuckle. :)

Making Spirits Bright...

Wanna know something shameful?
I have never sent out a Christmas card. Never!

What it boils down to is laziness and procrastination on my part, because I love the idea of Christmas cards and really enjoy receiving them from friends and family, but I've just never gotten around to sending them. I am enough of a Cluster-You-Know-What around the holidays without adding in another to-do list item like sending out cards. Plus, if you send them out every year, people will come to expect them. I like to keep expectations low around here.

BUT. This year I had the ingenious idea of making a virtual Christmas card post on the blog, and that way family, friends, and beloved readers of SOML alike can all enjoy our card. And the best part is it took almost no effort, and I don't have to pay shipping. BOOM.

Print this baby out and hang it on your fridge, yo. (let's be honest here... the only one who might do that is my mom, and even then, it's highly unlikely.)

*Card by Tiny Prints, which is THE place to go for holiday cards! Love the choices over there.

**MERRY banner by Bungalov. Such a sweet shop stuffed with upcycled shabby chic and vintage finds!  (banners, chicken wire frames for jewelry, decor, and more. My favorites are the banners - planning to use them in upcoming photo shoots. Best news: SOML readers get 15% off in the shop through THE END OF JANUARY with the code storyofmylife15)

* * * * *

And here are a few more shots that didn't make it on to the Christmas card! Thought they were still worthy of posting... especially the last few. :)

My mom and I were fiddling with my camera when we turned around to find Matthew had wrapped our "merry" banner around his head. Men.

Consider this your formal MERRY CHRISTMAS, from my family to yours! :)

Things the drugs made Matthew say, etc

Happy Monday and Thanksgiving week, everyone! It doesn't really feel very festive for us over here yet, but more than ever, I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. As I mentioned yesterday, Matthew went to the ER for an emergency appendectomy last Thursday, and as such emergencies often do, it brought everything flying back into perspective. As I spent the night curled up on a very less than luxurious hospital chair, with nurses and the smelly, moaning car accident patient sharing our room often punctuating my fitful sleep with their unwelcome interruptions, I realized how little else is important if you don't have your health and the people you love. I got a little taste of what my mom and Edd went through day after day after week after week, with countless emergencies and hospital stays and nightmares turning into reality on a painfully regular basis. I looked over at my big, strong husband, who always does the hard things for me, but who now couldn't even make it in and out of bed without my help, and I felt so thankful that there was an end to this in sight... that he would get better and go home and our life would go back to normal and we might even love each other more for all of it.  Not everyone has that ending to look forward to, and I am thankful this week for life and the people like doctors who protect it for us. You never fully appreciate the absolute pleasure in little things like sinking into your own bed at night and eating fresh (non-hospital or snack machine) food or just having a healthy, independent spouse - until those things are taken away or threatened. Then you realize how making your own bed, washing your own sheets, tidying your own home, and trips to the grocery store are an absolute privilege. Silly arguments and fights over inconsequential things are luxuries awarded only to those with who can afford them. You realize how blessed you are.

Also, Matthew was the sweetest ever when he first woke up from his anesthesia. I wrote down all the sweet/weird/funny things he said within the first couple hours after surgery. I'll never let him forget these...

+ I love you so much. You're the love of my life.
+ I want a sesame bagel.
+ I want some peppermint ice cream.
+ I want to go to the ranch.
+ You're a great wife.
+ I miss my dogs.
+ I'm glad I didn't wake up with boobs.
+ You're so pretty. I love your smile and your little parentheses.
+ Where's Gracie?
+ I want a bow. (bow and arrow set) I should get a bow for all of this.
+ You're my everything.
+ I feel like I'm giving birth
+ You're so beautiful.
+ Oh my gosh, you know what sounds so good? A tall, ice cold cranberry Jamba juice.
+ This is ridiculous.
+ Jenni: I have one more organ than you!
   Matthew: I have one more tooth than you.
   Jenni: Touche.
+ I'm so happy I'm married to you. I wouldn't trade you for anybody.

Nevermind that we both got suuuuper grumpy after about a day in the hospital. I will choose to remember the good stuff. :)

Hope you all have safe travels wherever you may be going for the holiday this week. I'm sure blog reading will be slowing down, so if this is the last time you tune in for a while, I wish you and your family a very, very happy Thanksgiving. Much love to you and yours from me and mine...

My husband, the (ex)addict

 

He looks like a pretty normal guy, right? Like, if you saw him on the street you'd think, "that guy has it all together. What a healthy looking dude. He probably doesn't have any chemical dependencies." Or something.

AND YOU'D BE WRONG. You see, during the last couple of months, Matthew finally kicked a drug habit. A habit he's had for going on five years--an addiction, in fact, that he didn't know he had, and since quitting cold turkey and experiencing withdrawal symptoms one might liken to that of an addict coming off of meth or heroine, our quality of life has increased exponentially. Confused? OK, before you go thinking my husband just came off hard drugs or something, allow me to explain.

Matthew works out. Duh. And he takes various protein and workout drinks daily, and he has, for the past five years, taken one particular workout drink that's supposed to give you a blast of energy before pumping iron or whatever.  Thing is, over the years he's upped his intake of it to a dangerous amount, since you tend to develop tolerance for energy drinks if you have them a lot. For pretty much as long as I've known him, Matthew has been somewhat lethargic throughout the day, tired all the time, and often irritable. More so than a normal person, and he thought for a while that he might have some sort of immune disorder, and even went to the doctor about his symptoms. It took a hippie "wellness" doctor here in town to finally figure it out, though. He asked Matthew to list all the supplements and workout drinks he's taking, and figure out their ingredients, as well. 

Long story short, between the workout drinks, a cup or two of coffee a day, and occasional Rockstar or 5 Hour Energy drinks, Matthew was consuming the equivalent of 17-20 cups of coffee per day. PER DAY. And I thought my two little cups of half-caff joe per day addiction was intense.

Matthew decided to quit caffeine cold turkey, and if I ever doubted that caffeine was a "drug" before, I don't doubt it now. Poor guy experienced a week and a half of extreme fatigue, cold sweats, nausea and intense vomiting, and a migraine that lasted throughout that entire time. He had to use my migraine medicine, and was taking around three naps per day because he just couldn't make it through a day without them. It was CRAZY, y'all. 

But like I said, our quality of life has skyrocketed since Matthew kicked the caffeine. He has been so pleasant, it's unnerving. Every time I ask him how long this new and improved husband of mine will last, he says "I'm caffeine free, baby. I'm ___ weeks sober. I'm a new man." 

And he is! And I like it.

The moral of the story is this: watch what you put in your body, and pay attention to how it may be affecting you. Moderation in everything.  17 to 20 cups of coffee a day is excessive, obviously, but even lesser extremes of things can be really unhealthy, and so can lack of attention to detail when it comes to what you're consuming. So, take that and run with it. Happy Wednesday!

How far would you go to please your man?

photo credit

Now, now. I'm not talking about any kinky, Shades of Gray-ish nonsense. I'm talking about what you're willing to do, within reason, to be what is attractive to your guy. Personally, I never thought this topic would come up between Matthew and I--until recently, when the proverbial shit hit the fan between us.

First, let me premise this post by saying I was inspired to write it after reading a post by Raven titled "I dress for men." She claims that men hate cardigans, maxi dresses, bubble necklaces, red lipstick, and the infamous blogger topknot. While I tend to avoid generalizations and am sure that there are probably plenty of exceptions to this rule, I found myself laughing and nodding my head in agreement throughout Raven's entire post. Why? Because Matthew and I JUST had this fight conversation a couple months ago. Before that time, I probably would have been one of the girls that got a little huffy and said, "actually, I dress for me, and I should hope my husband loves me the way I am!"

And believe me, when this topic came up between myself and Matthew, I wasn't thrilled to hear his opinions on some of the ways I've been presenting myself lately.

Let me back up.

It was a sunny summer afternoon. I was PMSing. Already this is going badly, eh? I was feeling insecure and fishing for compliments from Matthew, but since men don't understand the whole no means yes and yes means no rule that automatically takes effect during PMS, he mistook one of my compliment-fishing questions for an actual, legitimate question, and made the grave error of answering me honestly. Long story short, it came out that he hates my hair in a bun, thinks I look absurd in red lipstick, doesn't like the vintage "frumpy" look to some of the clothes I'd been buying, and he also made several other points that served as daggers directly to the left ventricle of my heart. I did the reasonable thing upon hearing these would-be insults to my "style," and stormed off, stomping and slamming doors in my wake. How could he criticize something as personal as a woman's sense of style? How dare he act as though I should live to please him! This is two-thousand-and-effing-twelve, and women don't gravel at the feet of their men any more! How dare he say a word against my hair or clothes or choice in lipstick!

I spent several more days being furious with Matthew. I was afraid to tell anyone about this argument we had, because in my mind, it made Matthew look unforgivable.  But finally, I talked to a friend about it. A friend I respected and knew would give me honest feedback. I expected her to be angry with Matthew--to join sides with me on my "nail his balls to the wall!" campaign. But to my utter amazement, she only told me that she had gone through something similar with her own husband... something that resulted in the two of them going through her closet together, he pointing out what he loved her in and what he didn't. Bottom line was this: she didn't really care if it was "right" or "wrong" from a feminist's perspective. She wanted to please him, and to wear things that he found her most attractive in.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I started to come back down to earth after my several days of heightened fury with poor Matthew.  After hearing that something so similar had happened to another couple I looked up to, and their relationship lived to tell the tale, it all became... less horrible.  And then I talked to my mom about it, and it all became even more less horrible. Suddenly it made sense to me to know when Matthew found me most attractive and when he didn't. It seemed reasonable to wear the stuff he loves when I'm around him, and wear the fashion-y stuff that I like when I'm out with friends or in outfit posts or something. I decided that, when I'm around my husband, yes. I would dress for men. Not really men, though. HIM.

Still, I can see how this point of view would bother some women. Many would likely have the reaction that I first had and think "screw 'em if he doesn't like the way I dress or my favorite shade of lipstick!" But as for that mentality, I think I've just decided that maybe this is what they're talking about when they say a successful marriage is hard work and compromise and sometimes sacrifice. And it helps to know that Matthew would make changes for me, too, if I asked.  Bending your own will to please someone you love isn't always a bad thing, or a sign of giving in to chauvinistic male domination. But as a certain wildly popular erotic fiction series might suggest, maybe that's what a good chunk of us ladies are craving, anyway?

I'm not sayin' that, but I'm just sayin'.

It’s Official.

My house is a zoo.

 

***Disclaimer: I married a hunter. But I am not a hunter.  I have, however, come to terms with the fact that we will have taxidermied animals in our home for the remainder of my existence. Please don’t yell at me.

***Disclaimer 2: Matthew got this giraffe in Africa two years ago, and it just got here yesterday.  I am told this particular giraffe had a long and glorious life and was on its last leg.  The meat was donated to tribespeople and now Mr. (Mrs?) Giraffe is memorialized forever. Win-win?

The Cutest.

While cleaning house today I happened upon a photo album I hadn’t looked at in a while, and OH MY GOODNESS. I’m pretty sure Matthew was the cutest little guy in the history of the world.

That is all.