The materialism struggle (#firstworldprobs)

Ugh. This time of year, you guys. Specifically this year this time of year. Do you struggle with materialism? I do. Always have, probably always will.

This is not a post about what some might deem the deeper and more important things in life - about poverty or addiction or abuse or true suffering. It's just about one girl's struggle with materialism, and who's to say that's not an important thing in life, I guess. A struggle is a struggle.

The truth is, I like stuff. We have this plaque in our bedroom that says "the best things in life are not things," and I jokingly tell Matthew that I disagree... terrible to even joke about, I know.  But I do value aesthetics and the way nice things make me feel, and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, in itself. I like to support those who make beautiful products that make life nicer for others, and I like to enjoy said products. But there's such an undefinably small line between just wanting beautiful, useful things in your life and always pining, pining, pining after the next thing.  How do you find the line? How do you keep to the conservative side of it? How do you not live your whole life working just to enjoy things? Is there really anything wrong with that, if you place a high value on people and health, as well?

I feel like this struggle is always at its absolute peak for me around Christmastime, when the push is on to buy, buy, buy, and stores are pulling out all the stops and wafting the best aromas just under your nose. It's this feeling of not having enough, which I know is an absolute lie. It's the push to buy gifts for others because it's the traditional thing to do, when you really can't afford it and should just say so.

This year I find myself systematically unsubscribing from store emails and purposefully avoiding Instagram and gift guides, just to eliminate that feeling of yearning for things. I haven't had time to shop for Christmas gifts even yet, and Christmas is in less than a week. Oh, and we should be closing on our house Saturday or Monday, so the next week will be a liiiiittle busy. At this point, I'm thinking about just bucking the whole system and skipping it this year. Not buying into the consumerism, since it absolutely isn't adding peace to my life. And isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be about? Peace? Unless you have all your shopping done by Decemeber 1st, which, let's face it, will never happen for me, there doesn't seem to be much peace around the holidays, and I crave that as much as I crave the ridiculous little blue ceramic fruit cartons at Anthrolpogie. Damnit.

This has very much just been a stream of consciousness type of post, so thanks for hanging in there. Believe me, I fully realize that I have a beautiful life and so much to be thankful for. I realize that even admitting this type of struggle will cause some people to bristle because, duh, it's pathetic. But unfortunately it's reality for so many of us in this day and age... and I'm thankful to at least recognize it for what it is, which is the first step to keeping it under control.

Hope you find peace and a reprieve from the consumerism over the next few days leading up to Christmas.... Happy Thursday... :)

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What I come from

Day 1 of Blogtember! I've been so excited to see bloggers getting pumped over this challenge. If you're participating, I hope you enjoy the topics and make lots of new friends this month! Or if you're just reading along, as always, WELCOME and THANK YOU. Hope you enjoy the topics as much as I have a feeling I'll enjoy writing on them. You can expect some other routine SOML posts as well, so get ready for a busy month around here! :)

Today's prompt asks that you describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

Several months ago now I sat down to dinner with my sweet late grandma, who was perfectly healthy at the time but gone just a few short weeks later after a blood vessel burst in her brain. She's the beauty in the photo above, taken on her wedding day. Those of you reading a while now may remember that time and how my family’s heart broke with grief that she was gone. I still miss her every single day. But I remember that dinner like it was yesterday, and how I laughed because she was being her usual sweet and spunky self and said something silly and sarcastic, and I remember feeling so proud of the type of women I come from. Women that stand up for themselves and speak their mind and have an opinion of their own but are also kind and expressive and demonstrative and intelligent and strong and full of empathy and good humor. I felt overwhelmed with this pride in my grandma and also a desire to be more and more like her.  So much of who I am today seems to have been passed to me straight down the line from my grandma and mom - everything from migraines to mood swings to gaining weight in the ass region. But I couldn’t be more proud to come from them. 

I guess this discussion wouldn’t be complete, though, without saying that there’s a little bit of darkness there too, in where I come from. I come from hardworking and passionate people, yes, but I’ve learned a lot about my family on both sides and I also know that we are prone to addiction, mental illness, and disfunctionality of many kinds. I feel that in myself, sometimes. People who are close to me see it there, twinges of it. Many of the people I come from are profoundly empathatic and feel things very deeply, but we tend to have poor follow-through in relationships, scary tempers, and unhealthy levels of ego. So basically, it’s an intersting concoction, my blood. A funny mix of light and dark I always feel competing in me.  But in the words of Sirius Black, “we’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” 

There's so many ways to interpret this prompt, and I could go on and on. But I'll leave it at that for now.  Can't wait to see what everyone else has to say... leave your links below! :)

*note: the scroll bar may not show up on your computer, but this list is enclosed in a scroll window, so be sure and scroll with your mouse to see the full list!

Mom's Pure Wisdom

I was recently presented with the opportunity to work with Nestlé® Pure Life® on their Mom's Pure Wisdom/Hydration Movement campaign, and it just seemed like such a natural extension of something I already wanted to talk about... so I jumped at the opportunity! 

During a time when my step dad Edd's suffering was at its hardest and ugliest, I remember talking to my mom one day about things going on in my life, and I remember feeling sheepish and hesitant to mention some of what I was struggling with because here she was, watching her husband suffer intensely and ultimately slip away, so what right did I have to talk about my petty "problems?" I said to her, "I know it's nothing compared to what you guys are going through, so..." and she stopped me right there and said something that made a big impact on me. It was along the lines of, "Jenni, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me what's going on in your life because you feel it doesn't compare to what I'm going through. We all have our own struggles and they are all important, and I never want anyone to feel like their problems aren't big enough to matter because they don't measure up to mine or someone else's."

What she said made an impact on me for a number of reasons, because here she was, someone going through something more excruciating than you can imagine, and she was saying that my problems were important, too, and they were not diminished by the magnitude of hers.

So why am I saying all this? I guess I've been thinking about it a lot lately because, especially here on the Internet, it can be so tempting to belittle others who complain about problems we feel are petty or that aren't as big and bad as our problems or the next guy's problems - believe me, I've been there, done that. "What right do you have to complain when you could be having ___(fill in the blank)__ happen to you?" And there is something to be said for perspective, most definitely. I think we should all consider our blessings before we whine, especially publicly. But my mom, in that moment that she validated my feelings in the midst of her own much "worse" problems, helped me realize that it truly does others a disservice if we act like they have no right to feel what they feel since there are others going through worse things. There will always be someone who has it worse, just like there will always be someone with something bigger and better than what you have. We are all human beings in this life thing together, and we are all learning perspective and coping and strength along the way, whether our problems are big or small in comparison. Just a little something to chew on today, and to remember going forward.

*This post is sponsored by Nestlé® Pure Life® and is part of a campaign to promote hydration (as well as mom's wisdom!). Please be sure and visit the Nestlé® Pure Life® Facebook wall and leave a comment with the hashtag #momswisdom sharing what your mother (or grandmother!) told you and how it has made you a better person. :)

*Thank you to Linquia for the opportunity and ideas!

HAPPY WEEKEND!!

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What does success mean to you?

That's an interesting question, isn't it? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. When will I feel like I've "made it?" The interesting thing is that the answer can be quite different from person to person - my idea of success could be very different from yours. For some people success is measured only in dollars. I've witnessed firsthand how some people who have them (dollars) automatically assume that people who don't have them are unsuccessful. But I've also witnessed firsthand that there are people who live a very modest life in terms of material things and income, but still feel successful and happy and enjoy their lives.

So what is the measure of success? Just thinking out loud here, really. I guess the conclusion I've come to is that there simply is no universal definition for "successful," unless maybe if it read "content with one's current state of being, lifestyle, and place in the world." Even then, I know people who consider themselves successful, but still seem discontent. So maybe for them, contentment isn't a requirement.

It's interesting to ask yourself what success means to you. What do you think it would take for you to feel that way? For me, I think I'd need a few things to feel like I've really made it in life:

1) The ability to travel and see the world. At the very least, one big trip per year. Preferably a few. I have pretty intense wanderlust that's only getting worse as I get older. A life without really seeing this incredible world we live in seems so sad to me.

2) The ability to spend extra money on the very best food for myself and my family, both with groceries and dining out. It's frustrating to go to something like a farmer's market or Whole Foods and know you can't afford to shop there more than maybe once every other month, for just a few items. Success, to me, would mean shopping in those places without guilt, buying mostly organic, and indulging my inner foodie. Bottom line: FOOD IS IMPORTANT TO ME, and presentation is too. Sorry, not sorry.

3) Meaningful, functional relationships and the love and even admiration of the people closest to me in life. If my personal life is in shambles and I feel people I love think ill of me, what would the point of all the rest be?

4) The ability to be generous with gifts. Almost nothing makes me happier than giving someone a really nice gift I know they'll love, or taking a friend out to dinner when she's had a rough week, or donating to a cause I really believe in. When it stops feeling like a pinch whenever I give generously, I'll feel like I've made it.

5) Personal fulfillment through creativity. In order to be successful, I think I'll always need an outlet for creativity and a little place in the world where I feel like I'm doing a good job and touching other people with my work. Maybe this will always be writing and photography, or maybe it won't be. Maybe someday I'll get really freaking into pottery making or interpretive dance or something. But probably not.

6) A feeling of security. This is really important to me. I don't need a huge house or pimped out car or a huge bank account, but I do want to not struggle. To have enough, and feel secure. To enjoy the money my husband and I make, and just not really have to think too much about it all. To provide for our family, to have some left over and set aside for a rainy day, and to live life to its fullest.

And when (WHEN!) I have all of those six things at once, I'll pat myself and Matthew on the back and say, "hey lookie here, we done made it in life!" Until that time, though, I can damn well still be happy ... and I fully intend to be. :)

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Letting Go

this picture has nothing to do with this post, but isn't my little brother cute? :)

On my way home from my quick Florida trip today. Loved spending time with my sweet little bro, but I can't wait to bury my face in fur the minute I get home. I miss my babies! Today's topic for Blog Every Day In May is Letting Go. I didn't give much direction on this one - it's just sort of an open-ended thing. So here I go. My response to this very broad term... letting go.

Fear, anger, envy, bitterness, preconceived notions, bias, self-doubt... those are just a few things I thought of that would be best to just let go of, obviously, but I tried to think a little harder about what I, personally, need to let go of in my life. I don't harbor a lot of negative feelings, I'm glad to say, though I must admit to holding onto fear and anger over the losses of Edd and my grandmother in the past little-over-a-year. They've been hard for me to grasp, handle, and come to peace with. And I don't really have anything too profound to say today. But I guess I'd just like to report that I am, in some ways, starting to come to terms with my own doubts and questions and, yes, I'm even coming to answers and peace with it all. Those of you who follow on Instagram may have noticed a photo of a book I picked up at the airport this week, Proof of Heaven, and I must say, I gobbled it up in a day and felt like my eyes had suddenly been opened to truths I never imagined. I'm hoping to write a little more about this book later, but for now I'll just say that I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with what they believe about an afterlife or even God. SUCH a good book. 

And that's about all I have to say, for now. I'm working on letting go of what I should let go. And I guess that's about the best any of us can do.

Happy Thursday! Only ONE more day in May! :)

Things Life told me...

Day 23 of Blog Every Day In May. I am SO proud of those of you still going strong! Just a little over a week to go.... we got this.

*Two blog posts in one day, wooo! See the rest of this outfit in the next post, if you so desire

*glasses by Polette Eyewear, here

Today's topic: things you've learned that school won't teach you.  I wrote this post in the form of a (one-sided) dialogue. Things Life taught me. I don't really know why I did it this way. It just seemed like a little more fun... 

* * * * *

"For Christ's sake," said Life, "stop taking yourself so seriously. You know what the best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is? To stop destructive behaviors? Focus on others. When you're too busy loving on other people, it's hard to find time to think about your problems, which are probably dumb and possibly self-imposed, anyway. Even if they're not, they seem less scary when you remember that you're not the only one having them."

"Also," Life said, "people are going to hurt you. They are going to react to things you say or do in the all-wrong way, sometimes. Forgive them. Give them a moment. Communicate with them until you work it out. Hope that they will give you this same courtesy when you are busy also being human at a later date."  Life paused, and then decided to clarify that. "Sometimes, though, people take advantage of kindness. Sometimes, kindness can look and feel like weakness to abusive people (who are really just hurting inside). Respect yourself enough to walk away from abuse, every time. It's good to have faith in people, it is. But abuse is never okay."

"And on that note," Life continued, "don't waste your time trying to convince unreasonable people of how reasonable you are. It never works. They have to come to a place of Reason on their own, and you probably won't bring them there all by yourself. Besides, some people just genuinely enjoy being assholes. Or maybe it's just all they know."

"Oh and don't forget," said Life, "that you get what you put in. The Law of Attraction is real - it's not science or magic or voodoo, it's just common sense. So put out good things into the universe, and they always have a way of coming back around. They just do."

"And finally," Life sighed, "there will be tragedy. There will be things that happen that don't make any sense no matter how you spin it. You will lose people, sometimes in horrific ways. People who are supposed to be trustworthy will betray you. Human beings will never cease to disappoint. Don't ever stop looking for meaning in all this.  Look for it in science, look for it in beauty, look for it in religion, but don't give up on looking for it. Don't be close-minded to discovering other truths than just what you now know. It's a big world out there. Maybe there's lots you still don't understand. Maybe there's lots that CAN'T be understood. Like the little ants that go about their lives in their ant mound, maybe you, too, don't even begin to comprehend the vastness of your world. But don't give up on trying."

And so far, that's most of what I've learned outside of school.

* * * * *

daily battle

Day 20 of Blog Every Day In May. Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

This May Challenge. I am struggling with this May challenge. Hehe. No but really. I am.

Besides that, I think my number one struggle at this juncture is keeping balanced and staying disciplined and being proud of the work I do every day. I guess that's three things. Let me set the record straight for those of you who may be confused about what I do. I run this blog semi-professionally, which is extremely time consuming, but I also launched my own photography business a year ago this month, and between those two things (the blog and the photography), I have more than a full time job working for myself. For all the time I spend on the blog, I spend twice as much on the photography. It's wonderful... working for myself... it really is, although the pay fluctuates and, honestly, I sometimes usually make less than what I made waiting tables in college. That's frustrating, but I know it comes with the territory of building your own business, and it helps that I can see a great statistical improvement from month to month over the last year.

I struggle, though, with a couple of things related to all this. One, I still get this nagging feeling that people in my life think I don't do anything.  That I have all the free time in the world. That unless I'm making a professional salary and going to a "real" job, it doesn't count. Like maybe it's a fun hobby I happen to make money off of? This really gets to me, and of course maybe I'm projecting those feelings onto people and they're not really feeling them at all, though I do still worry that they are. I also feel embarrassed, a little, that if I had a "real" job and contributed more to our bills, we wouldn't have had to move from our beautiful home and live with mom while something more affordable is being built. But I really, really try not to go there. I think doing what you love and what brings you joy is always, always more important, and will always, always pay off in the end. It's worth sacrificing for.

I work all day long and on weekends, too, but I think what I'm struggling with most right now is feeling proud of how my time is spent. I am someone who thrives off of accountability (preferably to a boss-type figure who actually pays me in praise for my work/a raise/a promotion/a good grade) and even after a year of owning my own business, I still find it difficult to take myself seriously in this role as my own boss. I lack discipline, and even though I work all the damn time, I recognize that my actual productivity could be lots better.  My boss - she's a pretty easy task-master. She doesn't crack the whip too hard. I'm not that scared of her. If I get really stressed out, she says to me, she says, "Jenni, I think the answer to this is a nap and a fig newton or three." And before you know it, there's two hours of our day gone. If you know what I mean.

So that's my current struggle. I struggle with being proud of what I do during this stage before it really, really takes off and gets legit in the eyes of others, I struggle with making and sticking to rules for myself, and I struggle with managing my time most wisely and most profitably. Working from home and being an entrepreneur seems glamorous or awesome or whatever, but it takes a certain kind of person to succeed at it, and I have this nagging worry that maybe I'm not that right kind.

But maybe, just maybe, that's exactly why I will be.

What about you? What are you struggling with right now? Lay it on us!

I miss...

Blog Every Day in May topic: What do you miss?

I sat down to write this post and, as usual when I try to tackle this topic, I was left with the proverbial lump in my throat and no right words. So instead of words, I decided to make a little video of what I miss. It probably would have been easier to just write the post, since I must have cried 47 times while putting this together. Maybe it won't mean as much to you if you're not a part of my family, but if you've been following this blog long enough, well... I suppose you might as well be a part of my family. :) Here's a little tribute to the things I miss...

I miss... from Jenni D on Vimeo.

*music on this video is called "The Winner Is" from the Little Miss Sunshine movie soundtrack

*read a little more about people I've lost here - start at the end, if you're new around these parts

The thing(s) I'm most afraid of... losing.

Day 7! We've made it one whole week so far! Major congrats to those of you who've really blogged every single day in May with me. Is it easier or more challenging than you thought it would be?

Today's topic is "the thing(s) you're most afraid of." I could go kind of surface-y on this one and say I'm scared shitless of tsunamis and have a recurring dream of being at my Grandparents home on the coast of Oregon and seeing a giant 100 foot wall of water crashing towards the house (while I'm in it), or I could tell you how afraid I am of being on a sinking cruise ship or drowning in general. Or perhaps I could detail my fear, nay, terror of cockroaches and bees and giant spiders, but that would all be just the normal and even irrational stuff, true as it may be. 

I'm also a bit afraid of gigantic beasts like horses and cows, though I had an opportunity to face that fear over the weekend. This guy was sweet!

I had to dig a little deeper to think of what I'm really afraid of.  And most of it has to do with losing something.

My mom.

My husband.

Gracie and Cooper.

My health.

The health of someone I love, like one of those aforementioned.

These are things that are more likely to happen than a 100 foot tsunami. People lose people all the time. People get bad news about their health all the time. I have lost people. I have stood by while someone I know or someone I love gets that bad news. And it is the scariest thing in the world to me. Any one of those things would break me open and apart. Challenge who I am as a person. I don't know how I would survive without those closest people in my life, or without my constant little furry companions that I love like real babies. I don't know that I would live up to the standard of grace that has been set by those gone before me, if I were diagnosed with some debilitating or life-threatening disease (here's looking at you, Edd).  I'm not sure if God is really the one who designates disease and hardship and tragedy... somehow I don't think he is. But I'm afraid, if he does, that I'll be chosen next. That next time it will be my own mother or husband, two people I cannot live without, or my own body that will fail me. Those are my deepest fears, I suppose.  I wish there was a light and happy note to leave it on, but fears are fears. All I can do is hope that I'll have strength enough to face whatever hand this life might deal me.  

How about you? What are the things you're most afraid of? It's totally OK if you chose not to get as "heavy" as I did. ;) Linkup below!

***In the "Name" box of the linkup you have 50 characters, and I encourage you to write the name of your post, your blog, or something extra instead of just your actual name - that will make things more interesting and eye-catching on this list! :)

Turn on the light

Day 4 of Blog Every Day In May was meant to be an easy day, a no brainer, if you will, but it turns out there are A LOT of amazing quotes out there, and I started to get overwhelmed by them when I was deciding on which to use. I should go with something really profound! I said to myself. Something that people probably haven't heard before and will make them go WOAH. That's deep, dude. And then I could talk about it and sound really smart and stuff.  But it turns out that a) It's Friday night and I'm really hungry and looking forward to a glass of wine and time with my husband and the homemade spaghetti and meatballs my mom made for dinner (this "living with mom" stuff is turning out to be splendid, splendid indeed), and b) it also seemed strange to use any quote but one from my beloved Harry Potter. Now that is a no-brainer. So then I found this Tumblr page and was reminded why I love those books so terribly much and how much they have impacted my life, and before I knew it, I was blubbering at my little desk by the corner windows, wishing I could read Harry Potter for the first time all over again, because that was really one of my favorite experiences of life so far, not even kidding. For any new readers just joining us here on SOML, yes, I am an adult woman and I am still obsessed with Harry Potter. They are beautiful, imaginative books that apply to anyone's life, anywhere.

So without further ado, I give you just one of my many favorite lines from Harry Potter...

*no clue where this graphic came from - found it on the black hole of Tumblr

Why do I love it? Because it's so basic and so true, but also something we forget so easily. It's easy to get caught up in negativity, the horror that does exist in this world, the "woe is me's" and the temptation to take ourselves too damn seriously. And some things should be taken seriously, of course, but I think it's really important to remember that light is just one switch away (or one flick of the wand, if you will), and though that switch may be different for everyone, it exists and we simply have to find out what that means for us. Don't stay in a place of negativity or darkness, because why exist in the dark when you can exist in the light? It seems to me that most often that has to do with one or all of three things: your attitude, what you fill your time with, and who you surround yourself with.

That's what this quote means to me. Share your favorites in the linkup below, and have a great Saturday. :)

Things she told me

I had tears in my eyes as I read your story. I'm so proud of you. I know whatever you want to be, you'll do it. 

I love your humanity, compassion, and insight.  I love you not only because you're my granddaughter, but because you're full of all the qualities I admire most. You have many more great qualities, but those are ones I treasure most. You are a treasure and a real person.

Hugs, 

Grandma Peggy

I've been reading old emails and comments from my Grandma, and this one stood out as possibly the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me and something I want to live up to the rest of my life. She wrote this back in 2008, on one of my old blogs that approximately two people read (my mom and my grandma). She has always been one of my biggest supporters. I realize that more fully now, which makes it hurt so much more deeply that she's gone. To lose that kind of light in your life--that kind of person who loves you how you need to be loved and is such a part of your history. It's a giant chasm that no one else can fill. Last night my mom came home from Oregon, and she gave me a bottle of my Grandma's favorite perfume, the one I remember her always smelling like. L'Air du Temps. Fragrances can so powerfully evoke the memory of a person. I pulled off the cap and breathed it in, and then came the tears.

* * * * *

Do you realize how much your words can mean to someone? The things you say and do, the trail you leave in your life... they are your legacy. You can change the world with them. You can change people, and that's the same thing as changing the world.  Lately I've been more keenly aware of the trail I leave behind me. The things people will remember me by when I'm gone. 

Humanity, compassion, and insight. Powerful words, and I can't tell you how much it means to know she saw those things somewhere in me...

Don't forget about me, I'm still down here

dancing at our wedding

I woke to my alarm this morning, and for a blissful and fleeting moment, I'd forgotten everything. That sweet ignorance before you're fully awake and aware, while everything is still warm and safe and OK.  But realization soon washed over me, and I remembered. My grandma passed away yesterday. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. A blood vessel burst in her brain. My grandpa found her collapsed in their home in Oregon on Sunday, and ten or so minutes after my mom arrived at the hospital to join her dad and brother Monday afternoon, my grandma was gone. She'd been waiting for her family to all be there, it seemed.

I tend to deal with grief by getting angry. After Edd passed, one year ago tomorrow, I would get angry when friends or aqcuaintances felt what I thought was an inappropriate level of grief for an "old" person. They'd lived a long life, they'd had what everyone hopes for. Their time wasn't cut short at a too-young age, like Edd's was and like many others younger than even him. We all hope to live to be old, right? And death is a natural part of life. That should provide some solace and peace, I thought. And it does, a little, but I now have more compassion and the understanding that a loss is a loss, no matter how full the life. This loss of my Grandma, my sweet, sweet and wonderful Grandma whom I just saw three weeks ago, has been a kick in the stomach that has left me without breath. With Edd it was horrible and traumatic and I cried a million tears, but there was time to emotionally prepare, in a way. But my Grandma was perfect and healthy one moment, and dying and gone the next.

I had such a wonderful time with her when they visited three weeks ago... she had an extra sweetness about her, and a few times while she was here she wrapped me up in a hug that lingered, and she rocked me back and forth and said "I love you sooooo much." I held her arms and told her how very soft her skin was and that she smelled like Grandma (my favorite smell). She showed me her new Kindle Fire (she always had the latest technology... coolest Grandma ever), and we had Hungarian Beef and Cabbage their last night here, and talked about the past and their memories. The next day I wrote this post, and my mom found it printed out on their kitchen counter when she got there yesterday.

I just can't believe my dear and wonderful Grandma is gone, the kindest woman I've known. A part of my life my whole life. I took her for granted. Never thought she'd go this soon. My sweet, sweet Grandma. My heart breaks for my Grandpa, who will be lost without her after 60 total years together, and for my mom... to suffer this incredible loss at exactly the one year mark since she lost her husband. "I lost my two greatest fans," she said. And it seems so unfair and so random and so mean. It makes me angry. I hope to come away from this place of anger, because I don't like to be here.

I had planned to write a one year memorial post for Edd this week, but I think now I need to just take a little time off from blogging. The rest of the week, at least, and then we'll see.

This song below is beautiful and a huge comfort. Last night I took a bath to calm me and sipped a glass of wine left over from the bottle of my Grandma's Beringer White Zinfandel, her favorite.  There was just enough left for one big glass, and I needed that last night. Thanks for saving it for me, Grandma. And I listened to this song, and my tears were as hot as the bath water and wouldn't stop coming.

In the Holy Kingdom 

angels sing a hymn
For all your good behavior 

they handed you your crown and wings
You don’t feel the sorrow; 

there’s no pain or fear
Don’t forget about me, don’t forget about me
I’m still down here in the shadowland, here where there’s doubt

Here where we must learn to live 

with what we live without

PS - thank you all for your incredibly kind comments on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook yesterday. I appreciated them all more than you'll ever know.

The people you choose.

We spent some time out at the ranch this past weekend, and while we were there I kept feeling this overwhelming sense of gratitude for the family placed in my life and for the blessing it is to be surrounded by people who are loving and accepting and kind and good and an example of how family should be for one another. I'm not a perfect person. We all have our faults and our deeply held beliefs and opinions and our life path that we chose and our weird personality traits that are sometimes good and sometimes bad, but I kept thinking to myself how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who choose to love others just the way they are.  I think you have to come to a place of security in yourself to see differences in others - areas where you may disagree and sometimes strongly - but love them anyway.

Just when we got home from the ranch on Monday, I got into yet another fight with a challenging person in my life (sorry to be vague, but this one is a bit too personal to get into details about - it's a relationship I've chosen not to discuss on my blog), and I got to thinking about the difference between accepting and loving someone fully when it's easy, because they're just like you, and accepting and loving someone fully when it's hard... when they are very different. And that's the measure of real love, isn't it? It's our natural inclination to surround ourselves with people who are just like us, because they make us feel good about ourselves and they agree with us and they don't challenge us or make us question the paths we've chosen. But I think it's so important, as a citizen of the world, as cheesy as that sounds, to be OK with people who are different. Who come from a different culture. Who believe in a different God, or none at all. Who have more money than we do, or less. Who voted for a different president. Who speak differently, live differently, look differently, make different choices. IT'S ALL OK. The only thing that isn't OK is when someone discriminates against you or is cruel or makes assumptions or casts insults because of those perceived differences. That's been my struggle with this person in my life. Where do you draw the line between loving someone despite your differences and "taking their crap?"

Personally, I think it's important to respect yourself enough to let go of relationships that only add toxicity to you life, and focus your energy on the ones that add light, instead. Not because they agree with you and make you feel good about yourself and have things in common with you, because they may not even have all of those things! But because there is no excuse for hatred. There is no excuse for purposefully being cruel or knowingly hurtful. There are rules in relationships. There just are. And I guess, as a rule follower type of person, I'm willing to let go of relationships that break the rules. And my rules are simple: 1) love, always, and show it with your actions 2) accept, even if you don't agree with 3) respect, always.

I haven't always been perfect at keeping those rules, myself, but I think I'm coming to a place in my life where I'm realizing that these simple things are all it takes for a successful friendship/marriage/relationship of any kind. It sure is fun to really bond with someone over your similarities, but differences are totally OK too. We need all kinds of people in the world.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling thoughts this morning. Thanks for listening. :) Here are a few more random pictures from our weekend at the ranch. Happy Wednesday!

PS - If you'd like to read more of my ramblings today, this time on what it takes to "follow your dreams," head over here. :)

3 years of marital blish

No my friends, that's not a typo up there. I just made up a new word. It means bliss-ish. Kind of sort of bliss, but not really.  Read on.

Today is me and Matthew's three year wedding anniversary... we met almost exactly one year before our wedding, so we've been together now about four years. Four years! I know some of you lifers say pashaaww, that's nothing. But to me, it's something. It's now the longest relationship I've been in, which is pretty neat.

I get a lot of visitors to our love story, and a lot of emails thanking me for writing it. The other day I reread the thing in its entirety, and while it brought back some lovely memories and totally made me smile, I couldn't help but think how very incomplete the story is. How much has happened since. How much we've learned, changed, grown, and are still growing. And I feel like it's time I set the record straight on how I feel about marriage. Or mine, anyway.

When you're in a relationship - married or just dating - and especially if you're having some routine problems like most people do at some point, it's easy to look at other couples, or read blogs about other couples, and feel inferior. You start to hear this little voice inside that's saying "they seem happier than you do. more compatible. her husband is totally more handy than yours. more fashionable. more agreeable. more successful. they probably make a ton of money. they probably have sex five times a week. I bet they don't argue about the dumb shit we do. I bet she's a better wife, and never complains. I bet he's a better husband, and treats her like a queen." And so on and so forth.

And you know what? Maybe some of those things are true. Maybe they really are the perfect couple, and maybe they really are happier than you, at this moment in time. I guess I can't really speak for all those other hypothetical perfect couples. But I can speak for us. And let me tell you, marriage can get rough sometimes. You know all that stuff I said in our love story about the law of attraction? Totally still true, but it gets more difficult to implement that law when life starts chucking lemons at you, when the day in and day out gets real monotonous, when you have health issues, work issues, financial problems, the stress of continuing education (hello, law school!), family drama, personal problems, or when you find you disagree on major issues or the direction of your lives. What do you do then?

I'm chuckling to myself, because Matthew and I have been through it all these past few years. Only a few people know the full story. Just last year we were hanging on by a thread... there was lots of anger and tears and marriage counseling and tweaking this and tweaking that, and I'm only writing this now because I'm confident we've come out on the other side.  (oh, and you thought you knew everything about us by reading this blog? proof that blogs are just a peek, right here!)

But what is the point in telling you all this? Have we discovered the perfect formula for a successful marriage? I wish we did, folks, I wish we did. I wanted to express to you, though, that it's OK if your story doesn't look like a fairytale. Ours started out pretty blissful, but fairytales leave off at happily ever after, don't they? They never really get into the real stuff about cohabiting with someone, about traveling through life with them and taking the hard punches together, making babies together and the stresses that entails, changing together as humans often do, and continuing to love despite that change. So many marriages end in divorce because people are too quick to peace out when they get to the part about marriage is hard work. They think, "yeah, but not this kind of hard work. This is grounds for divorce, for sure." But the truth is that the hard work will look different for everyone. Maybe it will be harder hard work for some than for others, depending on circumstances. But as long as you still have real love for each other and are willing to accept a person as they are, you have what you need. The work part comes in changing yourself, almost 100% of the time. That much I have learned to be true.

I'm not advocating dysfunctional relationships. I'm not saying you should ever stay in one that makes you miserable and drags you down. Life is too short for that. But I remember when we were going through some of our hardest periods last year, and I would ask Matthew if he still loved me. Every time, he would choke up and say yes, without hesitation. And I knew he was worth it, and I knew I wanted us, and I knew he wanted us. When your hearts are in the right place, you find a way to make it.  Gold is only purified by fire... remember that.

*****

The following excerpt was read at our wedding. Ironic that I chose this piece. I love it more today than I ever loved it before.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth….
But if in your fear you would only seek love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover you nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor,
Into a seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course…
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

~ from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran 

Our first dance was to this song... still one of my favorites. :)

goodbye 25, hello 26

Well, it's my birthday today.  Goodbye 25, hello 26.

To be honest with you, I haven't exactly welcomed this birthday. It marks the end of my early twenties, and I find myself scratching my head and thinking, how did this all happen so fast? Where did the last 6 six years go? I vaguely remember turning 20... shrugging when I turned 21... feeling bummed when I turned 22, cause most of the cool birthdays were over with. And then the rest is just a blur. Will that be how it is every year, from this point forward? A blur? 

The last year leading up to 26 has been one crazy ride. In March, someone I love died of cancer. A friend of Edd's asked my mom at the funeral if he suffered, and what could she say? Yes, he suffered. There's no sugar coating it. And I still can't put into words what that was like to be there, to be part of that. It was a defining time of life for me.

Matthew and I have also had our ups and downs this year. We may have this awesome love story up there in the tabs, but man, being married is hard sometimes. I won't pretend we have it all figured out.  Two type A personalities decided to walk through life together, and the line "a tornado meets a volcano" seems pretty fitting sometimes. But man oh man, I love that guy. I would walk to the ends of the earth and back for him, and I think we've both realized that's what matters most. When forgiveness seems impossible, when you have to lay down your pride completely, when you have to choose to see the things you love and couldn't bear to give up. That's what matters--that you'll do those things for love.

I've become more grateful than ever for my friends this year, both old and new. I've come to realize how much those connections mean to me, and I'm doing a better job, I hope, of showing them. I'm learning about languages of love. Loving someone is almost useless if you don't learn to show it in the way people need to be loved. 

So I guess 25 mostly taught me that love is all we have. Love is all we have. It transforms you. Helps you to do hard things. Helps you to feel empathy for others, even when you don't understand them or agree. I don't know about you, but I can spot a love-filled person from a mile away. Your spirit picks up on some invisible light. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I want to emulate it. 

I think that 26 will be a year for love.

Things the drugs made Matthew say, etc

Happy Monday and Thanksgiving week, everyone! It doesn't really feel very festive for us over here yet, but more than ever, I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. As I mentioned yesterday, Matthew went to the ER for an emergency appendectomy last Thursday, and as such emergencies often do, it brought everything flying back into perspective. As I spent the night curled up on a very less than luxurious hospital chair, with nurses and the smelly, moaning car accident patient sharing our room often punctuating my fitful sleep with their unwelcome interruptions, I realized how little else is important if you don't have your health and the people you love. I got a little taste of what my mom and Edd went through day after day after week after week, with countless emergencies and hospital stays and nightmares turning into reality on a painfully regular basis. I looked over at my big, strong husband, who always does the hard things for me, but who now couldn't even make it in and out of bed without my help, and I felt so thankful that there was an end to this in sight... that he would get better and go home and our life would go back to normal and we might even love each other more for all of it.  Not everyone has that ending to look forward to, and I am thankful this week for life and the people like doctors who protect it for us. You never fully appreciate the absolute pleasure in little things like sinking into your own bed at night and eating fresh (non-hospital or snack machine) food or just having a healthy, independent spouse - until those things are taken away or threatened. Then you realize how making your own bed, washing your own sheets, tidying your own home, and trips to the grocery store are an absolute privilege. Silly arguments and fights over inconsequential things are luxuries awarded only to those with who can afford them. You realize how blessed you are.

Also, Matthew was the sweetest ever when he first woke up from his anesthesia. I wrote down all the sweet/weird/funny things he said within the first couple hours after surgery. I'll never let him forget these...

+ I love you so much. You're the love of my life.
+ I want a sesame bagel.
+ I want some peppermint ice cream.
+ I want to go to the ranch.
+ You're a great wife.
+ I miss my dogs.
+ I'm glad I didn't wake up with boobs.
+ You're so pretty. I love your smile and your little parentheses.
+ Where's Gracie?
+ I want a bow. (bow and arrow set) I should get a bow for all of this.
+ You're my everything.
+ I feel like I'm giving birth
+ You're so beautiful.
+ Oh my gosh, you know what sounds so good? A tall, ice cold cranberry Jamba juice.
+ This is ridiculous.
+ Jenni: I have one more organ than you!
   Matthew: I have one more tooth than you.
   Jenni: Touche.
+ I'm so happy I'm married to you. I wouldn't trade you for anybody.

Nevermind that we both got suuuuper grumpy after about a day in the hospital. I will choose to remember the good stuff. :)

Hope you all have safe travels wherever you may be going for the holiday this week. I'm sure blog reading will be slowing down, so if this is the last time you tune in for a while, I wish you and your family a very, very happy Thanksgiving. Much love to you and yours from me and mine...

Babies and Marriage

photo by Smitten Imagery

Last night a friend and I had a discussion about how having kids affects a marriage, and it really got me thinking. When I get thinking, I also tend to get blogging. And I'm honestly curious about how some of you feel on this matter.

Said friend and her husband don't want children. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. As I told her last night, not wanting children does not, in any way, make you a freak of nature. It just means she and her husband will likely have more money, more sex, and will be sailing around the world in each other's arms while friends with kids likely enjoy less of all of the above.  Matthew and I DO want children, though we realize it's a bit of a trade off no matter what path you choose. Maybe you'll have less money, sex, and sailing around the world once you have kids, but I hope there will be richness in other ways.

But one thing my friend and I have both noticed (as outsiders looking in, for the most part), is that having children, especially multiple children, seems to so very often equal sadly neglected marriages. Not always, but often. And for good reason, of course! Suddenly you have these Littles in your life that require so much time, attention, and love, that there's not nearly so much left for your partner at the end of the day.  Not to mention mom's body may have just changed dramatically, probably affecting her self esteem and the sexy time, if you know what I mean.  I don't know about your man, but mine needs ample sexy time, or else relational satisfaction plummets.

The thing I find so scary, as someone on the edge of that stage in life but still not quite there yet, is that keeping the fire burning in a relationship is hard enough even without kids! So how on earth do you hold on to each other and your love and the passion when so much about the life you began together has now evolved into something very... else? Matthew and I talk about this all the time. Sometimes we lay in bed with our dogs at night, the dogs you can lock up in a room and leave alone for hours and that you don't have to worry about growing up to be sociopaths or drug addicts or scientologists. Just kidding about that last part. And we say, "isn't this awesome? that these are dogs and not real children?" But then we smile, because we both know we want babies. Little half him-s and half me-s.

Anyway. I'm probably not polling the most knowledgeable audience since this is not a "Mommy Blog" and many if not most of my readers probably aren't mommies yet. But I'd love to hear your opinions on all of this.  If you have kids, do you still have a rocking marriage? If you don't have kids, do you know people with 'em that still have a rocking marriage? And remember, a blog or Facebook, etc, isn't an accurate look into a family's life. That's the very reason why I'm asking this question. Because I feel like I really know so little about how things are behind the scenes!

But if you or someone you know seems to be making it work for both the children and the marriage, what do you think is the key? Is there a key? Or does having children mean resigning yourself to a lack-luster relationship with your spouse?

I'm curious! Tell us your thoughts.